Cunningstuff

A new life, for an old man.

The Caveman

The sun is rising for me. Dawn is come, and I got a whole day of work to do.

I quit reddit today. I really like reddit too, I mean, seriously, I really like it. I love the whole explain it like I am 5, I love the AMA’s, I love the science thread, and summoners school, but to be honest, I am getting tired of League of Legends too. Stupidity is a contagious disease I think, or at least, I am susceptible to it. I am a 44-year-old punker without much to offer the world at this point, but I have stayed true to my ideals for 30 years now, and I will continue to do so. I never really thought I would get to the point of being tired of the BS that I am, but I am definitely tired of it.

The BS of which I speak? Oh where oh where, oh where do I start? How about the constant battle of the sexes? I know there are differences between men and women, but… that really has not mattered since the invention of the train and the automobile. Maybe, and I do mean maybe, there was just enough physical strength difference in the world of horses that being a man meant you could get around good, or that you could “manhandle” a machine that was not very well-balanced in its design, but those days are at least, and I do mean at least, 100 years ago. Three full generations ago, not just yesterday.

Watching Julia Gillard lose her position in the Labor party here in Oz, after a three-year battle of the sexes, I am disturbed and feel the loss. I go on to reddit to lose my self maybe in reading on how to carry with Annie again, or perhaps some funny pics or aww pics to make my day, I come across a black kid in a water bucket holding watermelon, taken in a refugee camp. I am not necessarily hugely anti-predjudiced, but this was a line that did not really need to be crossed. Number two on the front page, and only growing. I know things come and go, I know the reddit community is a lot of different people, but when I read the comments, mostly it is people talking like we were on old 4chan, with all its over trolling to the max kind of mentality.  I am not a fan of 4chan, but I am an old internet user, going back to IRC days and before, with my earliest gleanings in the BBS era. I know what these communities are, I know what they do, and I know where most of them are going.

So I quit. I have no interest in pursuing anything like that, and I certainly do not want to be part of a community as a whole that supports it. I do not mind if you do find it funny, I do not. I am moving my bags out of that particular hotel, never to return. I want a life that is better than hanging on to old school white racism. I want to move forward, not backwards, and I certainly am not going to cling to the pier as the tide goes in and out.

I recently beat a huge bout of depression. I did it without doctors or psychiatrists, I did it alone, poor, and it damned near killed me. I find that maintaining a positive face in the 10 years that I wasted is a difficult problem, but one I take on willingly. One of the things I am not going to do anymore is compromise my personal self for anyone else’s personal self. I have a beautiful woman who loves me, and I am in a place of power that I have never had before. I go to sleep early, and I wake up early, and I feel ready to take on the world. Part of taking on the world is that you must focus what you want to do, and I find that reddit no longer gives me any focus for myself, but instead is a lot of disconnected folks in a world of disconnection.

I think this is just like a lot of the people who have been taking themselves off of facebook recently. FB is fine, in very small doses, as a communication platform for friends and family, but that is where the fun ends. Soon this will end, all of this pointless banter. I do not know how soon, but soon. Humans are social creatures by nature, and that means we support the ones we love, not destroy them. The hard part right now is, people do not know how to love themselves, and the results are disastrous. We are growing and evolving, and it is a painful and hard process, not one done overnight. We have to slowly but surely educate all those poor bastards who think it is OK to be backwards first.

Tom Robbins once spoke in one of his books (read them all, not one is a waste of time!) of how the world could be seen as a mammal at birth time, straining, pushing, red-faced and desperate. We can all see it, it is an easy thing to do, thanks to media, and I want to help push that idea out. I want to help us evolve, and I am going to use this blog to do it with.

Originally this was an exercise in writing. I needed a direction for it once that exercise was over, and now I have it. I will be focused on the positive discoveries we have made as humans. I will focus on those things that can give everyone a smile, and a bring some good cheer. We have made so many discoveries, and I want to try to help show them. The Caveman is retiring, and the New Human is coming forth.

Step One: Admit You Have a Problem

I must admit, ever since high school, I hate 12 step programs. I was sent to one because I went to school drunk. I still, at 44, do not think I had a problem then, not the one they sent me in for. I was sent to PDAP (Palmer Drug Abuse Program) because the school could not understand I got drunk at school for kicks, and in rebellion of the rat maze teaching system america calls schooling. I went on the first day of my senior year, because it did not matter, because it was unimportant, in the whole scheme of my life. I was going to a 9th grade beginners english class, and that was followed by a 12th grade gifted and talented english class. I was unimportant to my parents, the school, and to be totally honest, the entire system of america. I went drunk because it was fun, and it would let me fly my flag for the first few minutes I did not get caught. I had a very successful day. I threw up on the new tight ass vice-principal. I was outed by a friend who would later betray me again. I was picked up from school after passing out, where upon I slept for the rest of the day. I enjoyed that day, I enjoyed it to the fullest. My punishment was a suspended suspension to hang over my head, and 8 weeks in PDAP.

Based directly on AA, PDAP is a 12 step program for “young adults.” I am always directly suspicious of anything using the term young adults, and extremely suspicious of anything held in an old church. PDAP did both, and continues to this day. I don’t really care so much now, hey, if you need help, get it anyway you can, but back then, when I was into punk? I am still a punker, still thinking of how capitalism ruins us, still suspicious of governments and authority. I would not speak out against it now, but knowing what I knew and thinking how I thought, ugh, an AA program run by christians. Oh this should be MUCH better than high school.

Much to my surprise it was. The PDAP councilor was lesbian and atheist, well-trained, and she saw what I said was true. I was not an alcoholic and had never been one. She actually was extremely helpful to me, helping me understand to keep my rebellion low, stay under the radar, get past high school, then go live my own life. My grandfather was the only other person who had ever said such to me, and in a lot of ways, that councilor reaffirmed my beliefs in myself, my grandfather, and my choices in life. Well I was completely baffled and impressed, and from that day on my battles against the straight edge community and the “experimenters” was over. I still thought most of the people in the room outside of my and her conversation were nuts, and probably needed more than a 12 step program to help them, but she gave me good advice and I learned to keep my mouth shut.  Sort of…

Fast forward to now, and how that all didn’t help me gain anything. I discovered I am a compulsive eater from a sad but apparently needed exchange between my fiance and I last week. I instantly went to the 12 steps of healing as a guide, and damn, what an idiot I am. I don’t need confrontation if I have discovered it myself. I don’t need affirmation if I am doing the changes I need to do. I am not really in the room with the other compulsive eaters, except for the fact that I am one. I need to continue what I have been doing all along, and stop paying lip service to old american traditions. I do not need to yak on endlessly about my “problems.” I simply need to get on with it.

We americans have a lot of mental memes pushed on us time and time again. We are not very clear when it comes to what we understand about ourselves, and it is painfully obvious to me at times here in Australia. I tend to harp on and on about shit that doesn’t matter, and it is mostly because in america, most people had no education, and did not understand half of what I say, while here, most people are educated, and it is reflected back at me to keep my uneducated mouth shut. I have way to many opinions on way to may things that just do not matter. I do not need to fight to have my opinions known here, as a matter of fact, most people here share similar ideals and opinions. People here do care about their neighborhood, and they do say nice things about each other.  Being a backwoods idiot is frowned upon, not celebrated, and life is decent if you want to work for it.

I see other things to, being an american in Australia, but the negative here is just not as reinforced as it was in the states. I see the power grabs for the government, I see the business world shitting on it’s own workers, but it is just not as bad here as it was where I am from. I am far to negative I think, a lot of the time, and it really is just me looking up from a prone position that I am used to. I am sort of hobbling all over the place here, because there is so much more for me to say, so I will just get on with it.

I’m fat. I’m fat because I ate too much in the past, and now I am middle aged, so it is hard for me to lose the weight and get back in shape. I do not have a problem, I have a solution. I am done with the “I am so hurt” rhetoric, because I am much better than that.

It really is that easy.

 

 

Sydney Vs. Denver

The M5

The M5 into Sydney, from our outskirt situated neighborhood.

People

Very polite compared to Denver. Sydney reminds me of the old Denver, before the Californiafication of it, when people were nice to each other, and overly polite. The past two decades have been very unkind to the Capitol Hill crowd, as we are the undesirable element right near prime real estate. Sydney has its uppity side as well, but for the most part, Sydney beats Denver in courtesy and hospitality.  I am always being told to hush up, so people here are quieter than Americans. Aside from kids, no one really belts out or lets the argument go where the neighbors can hear. I am pretty much to loud all the time, as I was loud even for an american. In that respect, you might say people are uptight, but that would be the wrong impression. Sydneysiders just don’t let things unravel in public, and trust me, they do let their hair down. It makes for a really nice night out, thousands of people around, and no fighting, no harsh words, just people having fun. Denver public events, I do fear for two things,  over reactive police patrol and gangsters. They are both likely to let out the wrong reaction because you bumped into someone…at an entertainment festival… where people are expected to get distracted…, and both can cost you your life. Sydney Police are polite, and very present, but you see them smiling, not searching for something to hurt. I saw a few biker types, but no one looking to start a fight because I was looking at a display behind them.

I know I have harped on this a thousand times, but USA is in the wrong, and it is for many reasons. Having lived and traveled around the Oz for a few months now, I am most amazed and in love with the people. People are just nice. I wish americans would be as nice to each other as well. There are problems here, and being a white boy from the states I am not going to encounter them much, I understand that, but people for the most part are just nicer. Polite, and expecting the same, it feels like I am in a country full of the proverbial over-nice canadians, but the accent is wrong.

IMG-20130225-00061

Used daily in my house, I love this set of knives. Look at that cleaver!

Food

Well, first of all, you do not have to miss american food much. Hamburgers are big here, with the exception that they use beetroot instead of pickles. Pizza is a little dryer and smaller, I could squeeze the Pizza Hut crust and NOT get oil dripping out. Barbeque is the rule, not the exception, and being from Texas, I really enjoy that. I have had grilled cheese (on the grill grilled cheese, it is awesome, and not a sandwich,) sausages, lamb, beef, and pork. We just finished getting the grill ready to be used, I could not let it be stored unused on the back porch anymore, and she handily agreed, get it going! Chicken rules over beef here, in fast food. There is plenty of beef mind you, but there are some four major chicken fast food outlets, all busy and all good. PeriPeri, Red Rooster, Oporto, and the rather surprising on every corner damn near KFC. I love the lamb too, and it is as popular here as beef is in the US. And good… it is yummy, delicious, and perfect, so much lamb. Seafood! I can not even come close to comparing seafood in Denver. More sushi, and fish is actually eaten often here, not just by rich people shopping at Markczyks, or poor people eating tilapia. Barramundi is delicious, and I have cooked hasa at home, both great fish. In Denver I had a hard time finding good brisket, looks the same over here, but instead of me missing it, I find I am always happy with the choices I have in front of me.

In general, the food is way better, both in quality and choice.

IMG_0328

Music, light, art, all in one, Vivid 2013.

Music

Sydney radio is great, just great. I get to hear real artists here, not just the big 40. I hear them too, but it’s not over and over and over. Triple J is a great station that has launched many a career, and takes chances on new and local artists, everyday. I had the great concert with Temper Trap, and the great venue, so now it is looking for that much-loved smaller scene and set. I will find it, and I will listen to it. I love the music on Saturday mornings, it is called Rage, and they play music videos. Nothing but music videos, just like we used to get, way back in the day. Rage also likes new and local artists, if they have a decent video. Denver I was very much involved with the local music scene, and it rocks, I have not had the chance so much here, but I live in the sticks, and I have other goals these days. I may not have much to do with music for two or three years, but that is ok, as I had a great time in Denver.

I would not say there is a winner here. I was involved in Denver, so I know how diverse and amazing the music is there, and I stayed that way, even when I was in the middle of being a depressed shut in. Sydney has a LOT more support for local music though.

IMG_0256

Sydney itself as a work of art at night.

Art

The Vivid Festival is put on by the Museum of Contemporary Art here in Sydney, and the museum is a lot bigger and more involved than in Denver.  There is a constant presence of art here, not just marketing, but actual art. I see a lot more sculpture than in Denver, and in general, people seem to have more aesthetic and less consumer culture here than in Denver. Two popular shows here showcase ordinary people trying their hands at being chefs and home renovators. What ordinary people here know reflects the culture at large, which in general, does go back to a better educated population. Trash culture is not as prevalent either, most of it oriented either around sports or biker culture.

All in all, Sydney is more art oriented, and people themselves reflect the city as well.

Conclusion

I hate to say it, but Sydney is the clear winner in my book. I loved Denver for a long time, but it eventually fell apart in the tyranny of pseudo-capitalism. Friendly and educated, Sydneysiders are fun folk, quick with a smile and a hug. I am enjoying this part of the world, and feel my future lies here, under the Southern Cross.

Temper Trap at the Enmore

Among the many things that bind my dear Queen and me together, one of the most powerful is our love for music. We dance, badly, at home, and we sing along to songs, badly, and I play instruments, badly, and we just love it. We make up songs for fun, we clap at great stuff, it’s all a part of who we are. I was so happy to finally find a lover who loves music. We don’t always agree on everything, we definitely have our own tastes, and that is perfect, because it allows us to expose each other to new songs and music. She tends to not like my choices, and I tend to like hers, so it all works out. (You guys know what I mean…)

One of the most recent musical adventures is the Temper Trap show at the Enmore Theater. First of all, let me gush a bit of love for this place. One of my fears in coming to Sydney was that everything was big and modern and I would have to give up seeing great music in smaller venues. Two decades of living in the unadventurous Denver, Colorado, had allowed me to become spoiled by seeing amazing bands at tiny venues. Small venues have three amazing awesome advantages over large venues. First and foremost, the sound is always amazing. No matter how bad the venue is usually, the band has the gear to overcome any disadvantages, and the three main small venues in Denver have amazing sound anyways. Second, and uppermost next to sound, the price of small venues is ALMOST always agreeable. Last and maybe best, you are close, close enough to see the sweat fall when they are pushing it, and close enough to hear the band yell at each other between songs. Enmore Theater is all that and a biscuit. It is a pretty little theater, and as soon as you walk in, bam, there it is. No walking for thousands of miles through a tube, although you may have to walk a thousand miles from where you park.

IMG-20130501-00135

Security is a bit more lax than in the States as well, making for a unfrisked, un-patted down beginning, much like the old days of shows. We bought our tickets online, and printed them at home, and they just scanned a bar code off of them when we arrived. A giant angled floor awaited us when we arrived, general standing room only on the bottom floor, but there were reserved seats upstairs as well. Next time, in hind sight, I think we will take seats upstairs, so we can get a break from the floor. 20-somethings have no problems, maybe even 30 somethings, but in my 40′s and still quite overweight, standing in one spot on an angle for 2 and half hours killed me. Not a bad thing, overall, next time if we are on the floor find a better spot to stand first, or get the seats upstairs.

The two opening bands, ALPINE and MT Warning, were up and running when we arrived. I have to sadly say I only saw 10 seconds of MT Warning, but those were 10 nice seconds. We left the venue for an adult beverage, as there are several bars and whatnot steps away.  I really love Newtown, the whole area is amazing, full of sound and light and people, all in good moods having great times with friends. We are going to explore it more soon, as we have brunch lined up in a few weeks. After our drink we returned to watch ALPINE, a fun band who has two female lead singers, bouncing off of each other and the stark background music that the band plays for them.

One last good wait, and Temper Trap came out.

IMG-20130501-00131

Now if you are not a fan of Temper Trap, I understand. I was caught off guard by his male soprano, a rare treat in the world of rock, when such a high voice is so clean and clear. Live, the band very much delivers. Every song is played perfectly, but with those little differences that make a live show a treat. They truly have the show in a great groove.

IMG-20130501-00133

My personal favorites were very boring, the ones you would expect to go off well live, The Drum Song, Down the River, and the encore of  Sweet Disposition. 

IMG-20130501-00132

These were the best pictures of the night, but one thing they do not capture is how it feels at a Temper Trap show. No angst, no pushiness, nothing but folks having a great time, living, loving, dancing. I danced all night. I left feeling great, and I remember the whole thing as an uplifting experience. I can succinctly say, without any qualms or misgivings, that I truly love Temper Trap and would go see them again at the drop of a hat. I fell in love with them 3 years ago, and they have proven themselves to be worthy in my book. Go see them when they play near you, I am sure that anyone would at least agree that they perform well and have a great set.

Special thanks to my lovely Everstar, who shared the experience with me, and who makes everything beautiful, and covered in diamonds!

Losing the Weight

I am finally below 160 kg. I know it is not bragging time, but I just wanted to get back into touch with my healthy side today. I have a lot of blogs coming out soon, as I am behind and have some material to share, but the first and foremost one is this, how happy am I now?

I am excited and tremulous about being in Oz. After all the preparation and desire, to actually be here is every bit as good as I thought it would be, and better in many ways. I thought I would miss the ol’ USA, but I could not care less. I love this country, the people and my fair Lady, my dearest Everstar, is every bit as wonderful now that I am here, as when we met. I was worried about one thing though, one thing nagged at me, other than just being poor and old, was being fat. I have changed my life, I am now moderately active, and as my body and mind heal from all those dark years of being huge, I am working towards becoming highly active. I have changed how I eat. I have changed what I do on a daily basis. I am very truthfully, painfully aware of how out of shape I have been for the last decade.

I can not relate to you how important it is to me to have my partner with me. I need someone who is a no bullshit person, and my dearest is definitely that. She tells me how it is in no minced words, but instead is truthful and honest. I also need to be around her, to become a better person. I only hope I give her the ability to become better herself, as she is such a wonderful power for me to have.

That all brings me to the realization of how important your peer group, whoever they may be, really is. I have friends who all accepted me, but very few would tell me to my face how fat I was, or how bad my attitude could be. Ultimately, I ended up being very alone except for some very dear friends from my workplace. I think all of us who get so big have the exact same problem for this, we isolate ourselves to only the people who will not be confrontational with us, and we end up having no real support for ourselves when we start trying to change things. Those of us who fight to change in spite of this, I salute you. I am saluting myself, but not a lot. I was not in the best of shape when I got here, although I had laid the groundwork for real change, it really was my Queen who ended up making the difference in me choosing to live a healthy lifestyle.

I AM WEAK. I am weak on my own, and I needed the extra provocation of my love to really get me changing things. I think that ultimately, that is the catch-22 of all of us who are obese. Romantics at heart, we are emotional and need support to change, but we isolate ourselves from the truth that pervades our real state of mind and body. We use food as an emotional outlet, and we end up cycling into ever more destructive bad habits and obesity. One day we just give up and say, screw it, food makes me happy, and since I am alone, it is the only way I can be happy, but like all addictions, it never turns out to be true. We end up very alone, very sad, and finally, dead.

As our capitalist society seeks to ever more isolate us from each other in all its ways, always pushing for more entertainment and less exercise and getting together, I believe we are only experiencing the beginning of the obesity epidemic. Three years ago I decided I would no longer voluntarily accept any more chains from the buy buy buy orientation of American food. I first got rid of milk from my diet. Milk does NOT do the body good. There are many better sources of calcium for adults than milk. I grew up thinking milk was the healthiest drink on earth, I finally accepted that at 40 years of age, it really was killing me. Then I got rid of sugar, literally not buying the bag of sugar anymore. I kept doing this, but the hardest thing to give up, in the end, was the bad hobbits of fast food.

I did not really give them up until a month ago. Years of changing, and the best thing I could have done was eat sensibly, but nooooo, I have to be stubborn and give that up last. I have however, finally understood the pleasure of eating real meals, and healthy meals, and I am losing weight on the average of 2.5 kilos per week. Last week I measured out and nice 154.4 Kg, which is 10 Kg less than when we found a scale that would measure big enough to weigh me in.

So to compare…

fat at crawfish boil

 

To yesterday she took a pic of me.

IMG-20130519-00138

 

Do not get me wrong. I am not bragging, yet. And that is a big yet, I feel soon, maybe a year more, I can brag, and not just brag, but help others put their lives on track, and change things for all of us. I am still VERY overweight. I am still on a long painful road to recovery. I am still struggling with my issues, my depressions, my doubts, my eating and my bad habits. I am however, very proud and very happy to finally SEE the change, to be able to point to myself and say, I am no longer that person over there, the huge one. with a chip on his shoulder.

If you are in any way in need of motivation or help, leave me a comment, and I will do what I can. First and foremost, do not give up, you can always make the changes you want, if you want them.

 

Blue

 

Blue is my favorite colour.

I love the words that are associated with it, ’tis the subtleties that I enjoy about blue, and its diverse meanings.

The azure blue sky is a great sky to watch. The beryl blue of rare gems, strung along a necklace to decorate a beautiful throat. The blue-gray rock of the high alpine is always an inspiring sight, dangerous to get to, but rewarding when seen. An ocean’s blue-green tropics, filled with the fish and the coral, a bounty of food and beauty. The cerulean blue of our earth, the pale blue dot, our home, its color when viewed far away in the solar system from voyager, still inspiring us. The dark cobalt of rare blue glass, always an item I want to collect, but never do because I know its beauty is deadly. Indigo blue, rich with history and tapestry, the color of kings and queens, the beauty of blue in fabric. The navy blue of the sailor roaming the blue seas themselves. Royal blue, in its darkness lies a color most people appreciate, understanding its richness. The ever delicate sapphire who is actually one of the toughest bearings on earth, and makes watches last a lifetime. The exotic and super-science sounding ultramarine flares my imagination.

The off color of blue, the bawdy jokes told in earnest between strangers for a laugh. A dirty joke might appear dirty to those of innocence or at least pretend innocence  an  indecent appeal at our humor is one thing that can tie all humans together. If you are lewd and naughty, you can bring together humans in a way that we all understand, the battle of the sexes, or, in these days, the battle of sex. Nothing anymore is too obscene, at best it is off-color, those old blue jokes. We can be racy with blue humor, risqué in proper society if we are quiet enough, or chose to loud and salty in a shady lounge. If the joke is a smutty piece of ribald humor, we might get honored enough to be called a spicy and suggestive lout, but if they really liked our blue humor, we get the title wicked.

If my lips are blue, I am too cold. The mystical blue of anything opalescent, with it’s aqua shimmer and the rainbow of the galaxies. Nothing is more atmospheric than our sky, it’s azure wash over our entire planet. The bluish tones of a cerulean uniform connect the world famous Blue Angels to the sky. A cesious dye for an elderly lady, matching her chalybeous pistol in her purse. A cyaneous fog about a dark and gloomy castle in the night, under a twilight sky the ecchymotic color of a bruise. The sparkly bright gentian blooming in fields of grass.

I love blue.

The Hood

I live in a pretty nice part of the world. It is not fancy, but it is clean and well taken care of, with nice people living around me. I decided again to go with pictures, because this is pretty cute. Today we are going to walk the dogs.

IMG-20130401-00093

Here I am putting the leash on. Teddy is very patient with me.

IMG-20130401-00097

My love is also patient with me. I take a long time to get going.

IMG-20130401-00100

If walking was running, I would never be able to compete. Iris however, would be world class. She is so fast!

IMG-20130401-00102

We get to the end of our street, and the clouds and sun make a little show for us. Now because of daylight savings  we do not have any light after she gets home. It is sad, but we look forward to summer next year for the light and sun.

IMG-20130401-00101

This is the field at the end of our cul de sac. Ignore the trash, that is rarely laying about, but there are schools and kids in our neighborhood. Those woods though, have all kinds of birds, and the flying foxes can be heard at night.

IMG-20130401-00105

Who would not want to take a a walk with such a beautiful woman?

IMG-20130401-00103

The thing I noticed the most is the amount of palm trees. I missed them from living in Denver so long, it was nice to see them all over.

IMG-20130401-00107

Quiet peaceful suburbia, although I miss Denver, now that I am over here and out of Cap Hill, I am glad to be off the warzone I lived in for so long.

IMG-20130401-00106

Teddy pulling me along. Surprising thing is I didn’t catch her sniffing something.

IMG-20130401-00109

Tobi take a pose in front of me. I feel like I am losing weight, but then I see these pics and realize I have a long way to go.

IMG-20130401-00110

These puppies really love their Momma. It was hard to get them to walk with me, even a short way, with Momma standing behind us.

IMG-20130401-00114

I walk them 1.5 km every day. In the evening we walk them together as I am showing, so they get 3 km every day. Sometimes the weather keeps us in, which is sad for all of us.

IMG-20130401-00116

Just walking around my new home, I realize how lucky I am to be here.

IMG-20130401-00118

To walk with a beautiful woman, to be loved and trusted by the puppies, to have this, this is the way life should be lived.

IMG-20130401-00117

As the sun sets in this lovely picture, I realize that I am finally happy. I am at peace and in love with this new place, this way of life. It is good for me, and I am happier and healthier than I have been for a very long time. My health is improving, and I am finding how much strength I have left. I am no longer the victim of my depression, but instead the master of my new path in life. My shining Everstar Queen has made my life the dream I never thought could be mine.

Settling In

A logging road, leaving a destitute and destroyed land, but with a promise of smoother roads in the future, feels appropriate today.

I have finally begun the process of relaxing into my new life. Since the job is something I can not do right now, I have had time to set up an exercise regimen, and that has really helped. I live in a house now, which unlike my studio, give me the ability to walk around, actually it forces me to walk around, and motion creates emotion. I climb stairs 4 to 5 times a day now, I walk around when I have been sitting to long, and I  can just walk outside and sit in the fresh air.  I get to go outside, and I get to go outside when I want, and I have an outside to take care of as well. Mowing, edging, trimming, taking out old shrubs, all have let me sweat out a lot of toxins and helped me to feel good.

My diet has changed as well, these days, having one small piece of chocolate is cheating myself. I am on protein shakes twice a day, 4 pieces of fruit, and then a sensible dinner. Tonight that is a baked sweet potato, with a side of steamed veggies. I walked through the shops yesterday, and everything was tempting me. I might be in Australia now, but they have just as bad junk food here as the states. A few healthier differences, to be sure, there are far more chicken places than hamburger places, but candy, chocolates, donuts, fried potatoes, fried everything else, chips, cookies, they are here, prominent, and everywhere you go.

There is however, at least here in Sydney, a much more responsible population than in America. My beautiful queen and her family have basically said lose weight or get out, and though it seems harsh, it is a challenge I well accept. I have spent the last year building my body core up by riding my bicycle. I now walk once or twice a day with the puppies, we go for 1.5 kilometers (give or take 100m.) I then do 30 minutes on either a stationary or normal bike, sometimes I do that twice. I am working up to I do both of these things twice a day. Yesterday was a fine day, with a 2.5 km walk to the shops, taking the dogs out twice for 3 km, and bike ride with my darling in the evening, which was quite fun.

Here is the hard part. I am waiting patiently for the changes. I want change now, but these changes take time, a matter of weeks and months, and I only have 2 months of time left to show positive change. I am not chewing my nails yet, but I would like something to happen soon. I can measure the changes in how I breath in the walks, so I know I am getting better and healthier, but I am still worried I can not do enough in enough time. For me, in my own personal biggest loser show, there is only one person who goes home, or one person who wins the prize. If I go home, I lose everything, so I am seriously motivated to change.

This is a change for life mind you. All these changes I started three years ago, with the roots of change going even farther back, to when I bought an acoustic classical guitar. I left and sold all my music gear to help pay the way out here, so haha, funny I find an affordable 50 dollar classical acoustic guitar once I am here. I am not one to allow such monumental omens to fall by the way side, I totally had to buy it, and I play it everyday now. Funny too, because it is a classical, it really helps me be more accurate in my playing.

I am a little lost, I feel a little on edge, but I do truly feel alive. I am living here, doing things to make life something better, stronger than ever before. Meeting my Queen was and is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am in a whirlwind of change, and although I am doing my best, I am still scared and worried about the future. So many things are happening, so many emotions are flailing around, I am just doing the zen rock thing, and trying to be calm. I want my heart of stone to be fueled by passion however, not fear. My goal is the marriage of a beautiful woman, the winning of her heart and mind, and that is what I use to stay calm. I sometimes lose my cool, but I am not as angry as I used to be. I have to be careful, because I do not want to be so accepting I become weak and insipid in her eyes, but I have to yield in the way all people must yield in a relationship. My life has only shared the world and the room with others maybe a total of three years, mostly when I was younger and far more fanciful, so I never learned anything.

The story ends well though, if a story this lack of story blog could be considered. I feel the light again, smell the grass, hear the birds. I am finding a way through the world that does not only involve the internet or games. There is an almost holiday feel in the air, a grand expectancy, that entirely depends on my personal involvement and will, so in a way, I am free and flying under my own power. Hopelessly dependent on her sponsorship, I am the one who has to step up and improve their lot. I am more in control of my destiny than ever before, and I know exactly where I have set my goals.

Sydney at Last!

Not one for using pics, especially my own, but this was my first trip to CBD Sydney, with a fly by of Circular Quay.

IMG_0041

Here are entering the M5, and on our way!

IMG_0049

I know it sounds stupid, but to a yank newly arrived, the clean gutters of the Aussie freeway are amazing!

IMG_0053

This pic is only for yanks with a strong heart, gas prices oh my!

IMG_0056

Brick facade on one side, modern glass and steel on the other, this is pretty common in Sydney, both old and new.

IMG_0066

This is Nick Cave’s roadies unloading for a show, I did not get to go, as this was only my second night.

IMG_0072

Here you can see why I do not post my own pics, but this is a festival in Newtown.

IMG_0087

My first glimpse of the skyline!

IMG_0098

Here we are entering downtown (known as CBD) Sydney!

IMG_0125

We just drove around, but here is Harbor Bridge through a door into Circular Quay.

IMG_0146

Obligatory cathedral pic, St. Mary’s in downtown Sydney!

IMG_0159

The building center left is the public broadcasting building, and yes, those are plants hanging out of an upstairs garden!

IMG_0143

This is a slightly obscured pic of Archibald Fountain, in Hyde Park.

Mostly as well, to let everyone know I have made it to Sydney, and am happily installed as a tourist for now. My Lovely Queen and I are getting along, and everything looks good for now. I had a horrible trip, but once landed was just fine.

100 Blogs or How I spent My Winter Vacation

Thank you first of all, my dear readers. A fairly silent bunch, but at least you don’t tell me how horrible I am. I admire each one of you for putting forth the effort to read this piece, as it is far more wordy than most. I also want to thank my lovely Lady, without whom this would not be possible (posseeb). I also want to admit, I have not done as much as I first envisioned, but I have learned far more than I thought I would.

Personally, I am bit disappointed in myself about the whole thing, while at the same time proud of what I have done. I will continue to use this blog for the exact purpose I began with, to become a better writer. I have done 100 blogs, with an average of  about 1000 words, give or take a few, but mostly give (1000+). I will be speeding up the amount I write here soon, as the long wait is almost over for me. Perhaps it is an excuse, I do not know, but my lovely Lady has definitely let me know I am slipping on my production and writing. My take is that I work in a toxic environment, and I want to write in a positive mindset.  I should have had a long vacation or job change a long time ago, but circumstances are what they are, and I did not. I am basically, to be truthful and brutal with myself, a total burnout at my job.

I really hate saying that, because it sounds so depressing and awful, like I have given up on myself. I just can not do that job anymore, it has basically driven me mad, like, angry mad, into the farthest reaches of my psyche. I need to be challenged I think, and I really need a job that uses my creativity, because the mind numbing job, that worked when I was not sober most of the time, but now, in my sobriety, it has become the worst thing in my life. I should be teaching or experimenting or creating and fabricating, and from now on, I will. I have but less than two weeks of mindless numbing slave work, being treated as a jackoff and peon, and I am moving to the new.

Just to be even more honest, that’s how much it affects me. I am realizing that my drug and alcohol addiction were really just the way to haze through my life during the day, for how I made a paycheck. My music, games, art, they were all substandard because I was high all the time. Throw in some depression on top of the lack of motivation and sobriety, and you have the recipe for how I lived most of the past two years before I met my Lady. Since we met I have been more sober, more watchful, more observant than I was of myself before. I am also more critical, and I want to say less excuses.

My time is coming, and I am celebrating it here. I have ranted and excused myself in the past for so many things, but I can tell you this, I have no more patience for my own excuses, I just want this opportunity to grow and change. I am hoping that she still loves me after we meet, I am putting all my eggs into this basket. We have skirted and been nervous about this for a month now, sometimes even flat-out refusing to talk about it, and I understand that thoroughly   This is not the move of a child, with no thought behind it, we are both stepping up and doing an adult change.  We are taking the chance of a lifetime to become a happy couple, later in life than some have chosen, but at a time I think is good for both of us to settle down with someone.

There are labor restrictions on me doing what I am doing, so no matter what happens, I am looking forward to setting aside the labor and work for a little while to screw my head back on straight. I have never had a real vacation, not even once in my life. There was that one time at band camp, when I took a week off of work, but even that has become impossible, instead taking my vacation pay to accomplish different economic goals. I will be broke, and that will be stressful, but I will have someone to take care of and who will look after me. I will have time to write, one of my goals being an e-book to sell on Amazon or somewhere. I will write here more, and switch from doing reviews in America to reviews in Australia.

I am not however, going to drop this blog for another. I really never like when people do that, unless the growth they are experiencing is above and beyond the capabilities of their site. I tend to stop following them at that time, because whatever it is they are changing is obviously not part of me changing with them. Here, I have always said I do not have a direction and intend to let it basically be the playground for my experimentation, and my limited communication with the rest of the world, as well as example of  my writing for the professional world, if they are ever interested. I still have hopes of becoming a freelance writer, but I will not be able to pursue that until I have settled into my new role. I do not however, expect that to be an unlimited excuse, just the truth of the laws I will have to follow until I am done with visas and the import export of myself.

Wish me luck my dear readers, wish me luck on this new bridge I am about to cross. I will not have time to write to you until I am in Australia, as this time here grows short and I must ready myself for the move. I need all the help I can get, and I look forward to writing about the move in the near future, but probably not until the end of March or so.

I will drop an update or two to let you know I am safe and going along.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 82 other followers