A new life, for an old man.

Month: May, 2012

Walking old paths in new directions

There are many ways to fall short of your personal expectations, and I think one of the worst ways is to fall into a rut. I fell into a rut 7 years ago, with a food addiction, alcohol, and weed, and it was not until I sobered up did I meet the love of my life. I now disdain any sort of drug, and may only ever drink again to get over my natural nervousness when we meet up to get married in another country, but maybe even then, I may not drink.  But there are other ruts as well, ruts that we get when thinking about what other people are attempting. One such rut was exposed to my sense of detection tonight, when for probably the 5th time, I was asked what is my blog about? What direction is it taking, what niche is it covering? I think I gave a suitable answer, but underneath, I was thinking about it, what is the direction? Is there one, and that is pretty much the answer I gave, I remember now, I said exactly what this blog is for. I am here to write. I am here to write badly, probably for a long time, but I am here to write. I might review, I might muse, I might meander all over, but first and foremost is the idea that I need to put down a thousand words every chance I get.

I announced in my first blog that I intend to be writer, and yes I intend, to all purposes, to put aside my humility and take up my pride, and become something greater than I have been in the past.  I have said over and over again how I hate this, or I hate that, but I never really took in what I was doing that put me in this position of anger and hatred for so long. My dear Fae Queen however, took one long look at what I was writing her and said, I remember, very flatly, very determined, you are going to become a writer.  I really couldn’t answer her at first, but after some time, it became clear, I had to do something, this woman would never be happy being married to a bottle shop clerk, and I am to old to become a great fabricator, or artist, but write, I can do that! Please understand, I have no clue how I am going to do this, but just getting in there and writing my ass off. I do not know what how much a successful writer writes, but I do know that there is one universal truth that all good and great writers espouse,  and that is to get your hands dirty and write.

So that brings me back to what started this idea for today’s blog, that of falling into a rut. Not just me falling into a horrible rut of depression and addiction, but me falling prey to any ruts laying about out there, ready to entrap me and conform me yet again to lesser ideas and smaller accomplishments.  I have seen many things come to pass in the past few years, and one of the worst is this idea of finding a niche, finding some small community of ideas that have not been expounded upon and bullied about by one person so that they build a following of pointed idealists about the topic they have so successfully chosen.  Look, if choosing a small topic is your happiness, and you write about it well, fine, I am all for your success, but I find the idea appalling. I want to encompass the whole of the truths, the giant expanse of everything, and I want to do it in one thousand words. I will try again and again, I will fail, oh I will fail, but I believe the time of the niche idea has come and gone, and is being used by corporations and governments to keep us thinking small. I am not trying to insult Auntie May’s Beautiful Flowers of the World blog at all, I am really happy for Auntie May, I am glad the old bird is on the web and sharing her life as she wants, using her wifi camera to share the beautiful flowers with us, but I am not that kind of author.

I come from the tradesmen background, with a rebellious stint in punk rock to educate me, fire me up, and let me know how the world works and who runs the damn show.  I watched the Reagan years destroy my families claim to wealth and skill, I have watched for 25 damn years as we tradesmen got the short end of the stick on everything, from opportunity to lost wage increases. I joined the service economy in a dead end retail job, which after 10 years of being in, I am still nothing but a clerk, because I do not kowtow or appease, but instead work and expect equal treatment. Now, I have taken up the pen, it is my new weapon, my new voice. I will be intent on showing the world where we can go right, where we can look for inspiration, and I will be bringing my stubbornness and background in skilled labor to the table with my pen. I will not be bought out by some shush keeping publisher, I will stand on my two feet, because I can make my own home, from scratch, without anyone’s help.  I am in a unique position, I understand the problems of the professional blue collar worker, I have studied the imperialism of Aristotle, I started my own BBS in 1984 and learned how to communicate digitally before a lot of people were even born into the age of the internet, I can work a sledge hammer like very few left in the world, and John Henry is long dead.

I am here specifically to write, not rut, and I will write until I feel it becomes good enough to go further.  Right now, I am very meh about what I say, I am not putting pressure on myself, but I am learning to do this writing thing, I am learning to do it, and I am digging on it like nothing else I have done in years.


The possibilities of the future

A picture from a 90 day mission robot that has run for 8 years.

I want to start by saying, if you do not know by now, at least some of this stuff, you need to be in good stead with a coffee and a dream, because life must suck for you. I am usually known for my endless rant on the tyranny of bankers, but I am outgrowing that. Apparently, it doesn’t matter to anyone but me that world is owned, and we are peons, and life could be so much more beautiful if we didn’t have capitalists and money in the way of dreams and life. So, I am taking a new stance, one a lot less antagonistic, and much more oriented to the optimist in me, the child in my heart. How may people here, feel free to raise your hands, how many people here know we live in the time of godly miracles? I am not joking when I say, we can make the blind see, the deaf hear, and the crippled walk. It actually for the first two, has been in working development for years, and is now becoming an actual option of healing and curing in the medical world. I cried the first time I saw a deaf woman hear her mother, she bawled, I bawled, the mum bawled, and I saw it through the angels eyes of youtube. The same thing happened when they first got a blind man to see light and dark, years ago, but it was a true seeing, a blind man who now could tell you if it was day or night, not by warmth and having a speaking watch, but by seeing. I listened to woman tell me how sad she thought it was that not everyone could trade out different legs for different events, showing me her artisans legs, for parties, her bionic legs for running, how she could be taller than me and jump farther than me, because I still had two legs.

Now that is just the human traits we have learned to make better and solve literally, ten years ago, what would be called miracles. Just a few weeks ago, China announced a 92 kilometer separation of quantum teleportation, by simply using a lake to establish a clear path for the lasers that were the controlling energy of the action. Now this is not star trek teleportation, but it is however, the very real ability to simultaneously move particles in exactly the same manner over huge distances, not like pick it up put it down, but as in the particles react to the same thing, in exactly the same manner. Not in some tiny ultra controlled environment, but over a damn lake. No no, I don’t understand all of it, but they had just the year before, done the same thing at 13 kilometers, and that was considered a miracle then, to take it to such distances, well, maybe you get the same ideas I am getting. Won’t be long before we can have quantum events bounced off a satellite, and can take the effects right out into space, or anywhere on earth. If we simply apply the idea to our telecommunications, it means absolutely lag free instantaneous information transfer, anywhere on earth, at any time, no time delay in speech, transactions, gaming, medicine, surgeons can work from one place and do robotic surgery anywhere for any one, the possibilities are endless.

I know I am a dreamer, but I am actually seeing my dreams come true in my life time, and it is very exciting. When my friends and I set up our BBS,  you should have seen how excited we were to have Japan calling us, to download games from us! I typed the first ever digital copy of Anarchist Cookbook, and let it loose through a BBS, and then watched as the FBI shut us down, but it was to late, I continued to encounter .txt versions of my copy ever since, and I am damned proud of that. I am not a pirate, I am not a crook, I never made any money off of trading illegal programs with people, but two of my friends I got graphics software for are now professionally employed for their skill at those programs.  We are on the verge of something great my friends, and the bankers and the governments are absolutely outdated and helpless.  It is now time for us to not stand up and fight, but instead, get dedicated, find a learning, and share it with others. It is time for us to teach each other, for the schools will only continue to put us in debt and control, where learning and information will only ever set us free.

I do not imagine some utopian future where no one will ever get hurt again, but I do dream of such a world, and looking around me, I see it is a very possible dream, if yet still a dream. We have learned of the 92 natural elements found throughout the universe, we know how they were formed, and through this simple pursuit of physics and astrophysics, we have indeed learned that we are truly stardust, we are the children of the universe, and we are here experiencing it all with each other, almost instantly.  I am pretty sure there is a scientist who knows exactly how much gold there is available in the earth, in the solar system, and for that matter available in the whole universe, and that knowledge is worth ten times the price of gold, ten times the jewelry of the crown, ten times anything we ever thought about gold before. We are tied to this place, this universe, and we are closer than ever to getting off this rock and into the stars around us.

It is no longer time to worry about the bankers, the universe has methods of removing those elements that want to destroy its own creations. It is much more a time to revel in the happiness and knowledge we are finding out about the nature around us.

Stuck between a hole in the head and a obvious chasm

Got my battle gear on, go!

I am from a distraught, unheard, tiny part of the population in the states. We are the people from 1968-1973, some from before that sure, and some after, but generally, those years of birth, behind us are the corporate sellout hippies and leftover music, ahead of us are oblivious children, birthed in a world of so many distractions, the best result is to act bored and jaded. We tried that in the eighties, but to be truthful, it was exciting for anyone who paid attention. Acid and extascy reigned supreme with us, like our parents, but we didn’t get organic, we got terrifying. We went dark, we went robotic and cyberpunk, we embraced our technical future, and then, thanks to windows, we promptly forgot it. Well, most of us did, swirled up into the age old quest for profit, we forgot to keep on to our dreams, and turned them in for a paycheck. Shut down by the government in the 1980’s, us teen dreamers got squashed out of art, music, and the future of them with a sudden turn of conservatism in the states. I was excited, but one by one, all our dreams got squashed to nothing in the search for a living and profit. I personally, checked the hell out of that scene, and went from state to state a few times, partied with the best wherever I was, then, got hit by the profiteering economy. My abilities at trade work, bench work, shop work, all became meaningless in a….

‘scuse this rant…

Kiss ass hierarchy of making sure we can fleece whoever we can whenever we can backstabbing kowtowing money-worshiping screw your best friend over for a promotion world of retail sales. All while being stuck in the continuous downgrade of the ability of the blue collar worker to make a decent living in an ultra conservative kiss the ass of business world. I used kiss ass twice in that rant, yay! Yeah, not a happy camper, and all around I see oblivion and total apathy in the current american society. Kids in their 20’s living with their parents have turned a blind eye to the economic woes, because they are living rent free. All the older set have their houses, and have turned a blind eye to all of us who will never afford a house in america, even with working all our lives. No one really wants to stand up anymore, the batons and the tear gas keeps everyone from really rallying grassroots support. I was once proud to be an american, now I just claim I am from Houston, and tired of this life in the states.

I think the idea of a one world government is the right way to go, but not with this Imperialist bs in the way. Take down the bankers, take down the malls, first improve lots in the urban district, then the suburban district, then build self sufficient mini cities where ever we can stick them. DO computer controlled organic growing systems, do away with all the damn chemicals, and get our concerns on doing things, not earning cash. Yes, I know, the utopian dream of a cashless society. Well it is really not a dream, it is a real, viable, fair solution to what is occurring now. I am not setting up a giant rant here, I am just going to go with logic and say, it will come when the world is more educated. Once we stop buying the word of college brain washed economists, who focus on an ethereal ideal, and get down to truth of materials, we can let scientists extract all the gold we need, and some extra for fun, without killing each other, without stealing, without a black market, so many things come from a cashless society.  Right now, according to the UN, there are 1 in seven people starving. During the black plague, 1 in ten died from the plague, does that little problem ring a bell? More people are starving now than people died during the dark ages. In this kind, communicative world, where we the peeps have decided to unite together, talk together on the internet, 1 billion people are starving, and that my friends, is capitalism.

Rant over….

I have decided to become a writer. I have had my viewpoint changed by a woman who loves me, and I like the idea that one person can make a difference with words, even in these troubled times. I left the night, I am in the predawn, and soon the morning of a new day will settle upon me. I am counting on her wisdom and support, and I am inflamed with new energies in my later life that have been missing from the past decade for me. This blog is for that reason, for me to learn to write. I am willing to take criticism and constructive thoughts, I am very willing to collaborate and grow with this community. I have already started to see some interesting ideas and improvement, just from sitting down and writing one blog. The future has so many possibilities and horizons, we are on the verge of controlling the essence of life and matter itself, the blind can see, the deaf can hear, the crippled can outrun the normal human. We have discovered the cells that contain memory, we are on the verge of being able to plug in and use the internet mnemonically, and the email will become, thanks to google’s foresight in creating ever larger memory for its user, our new bucket of photos from our eyes, 3D stereoscopic pictures and videos. Particles are being instantaneously controlled over a distance of 92km now, thanks to china’s new record. Our universe is caught at a time when we can observe almost all of it, and will have records that eventually, will map out every planet and place we can go to. Already we have seen another planet, on another system, not guess work, but actually seen it! Wake up folks, is what I am gonna be saying a lot of, wake up and smell the bloody damned coffee, there is a universe waiting for us, a future not beholden to profit and tyranny. But not wake up its time for war, wake up, its time for the real fireworks to get going!

Learning to say good night, at night.

The amazing luna moth, Actias luna.


Learning to get up when the sun is coming up, this is a new idea to me. I am moving towards a new life, and the emotions of doing things in the morning, and during the day, to rest at night, these are new. The change from dark to light will not happen soon enough, if you ask me. I am 43, and I have lived most of my life at night, using the day as only a bright beginning to a nocturnal life. It is true, we humans are adaptable, even to night, but it does make me wonder, what do the astronauts deal with, if they orbit the earth so fast? 1.52 hours per orbit, and that’s 15.7 days per normal earth day, so a whole lot of  days and nights, smashed into the short time they have on the space station, day and night exchanging duties every hour. I imagine at some point you just wake up, do as much as you can, look down on earth and say, “how pretty!” and go to sleep.

All of this change is because of  my beautiful fiance, who has walked into my life with the stunning light of a beautiful star.  Shaken to my very core, the challenge of love has stripped me to my bare essentials, and where in my past, due to my raising and proclivities, I have always sought out the night, now I seek the day. I am learning to say goodnight at night, which is an unusual prospect for me. The process however, is not over for a long time, months actually, but at least not years.  Due to a pure lucky chance of time and place, I am at the right time for the two of us to be together during normal hours, so we wake together, sleep together, and talk during the downtime of the late afternoon and evening together.  Work is work, and the three-hour difference can mean a little less sleep for either her or me, but it is none the less a beautiful time, and we get to know each other better everyday, in a way that most long distance relationships rarely do.  I work nights, and I am undisturbed after work, for the most part, so I can dedicate all my time after work to be with her, however, since I am currently employed in a bottle shop, we do not have any weekends together, so other than her holiday off work, we will have to make do until I move. And that event, my friends, will be the culmination of what I speak, the change from night to day.

I am leaving the States and joining the monarchy down under, and despite all the trials and turbulence I must face to move, the thing I am looking forward to, well, other than living with the woman I love, which is first and the most joy of moving,  is that I will be living life by day, not night. I am moving out of the nocturnal, Plato-ish cave and finding the sun. My life at night goes back to when I was young, and to avoid the constant belligerence I dealt with as a child, I would sit up all night by myself, usually reading, but some times colouring with felt tip pens, or listening to music. This would of course, make me cranky and a bit under slept most of the time, and that pretty much is where the night living really started. I am getting old now, so this is a crazy mid-life crisis type of thing, completely changing my ways, not for the worse though, there is no stupid conceptual changes, these changes are down in my very core, my very psychology. I know that things are going to change in so many ways, and I can not wait!

I chose to write this blog about this particular subject because the change is just incredible, it is like I am learning to walk again. I have always been inspired by the stories of people putting their life back together after some event or tragedy put them in a hole, and now, I am experiencing that very same phenomena first hand. I feel like a babe, blinking in the sunlight, with a host of colours and sounds to learn anew and appreciate. For all those who have given me inspiration, thank you, for all those who wonder if they can do it, yes, it IS hard, but it is worth it, and finally, to all those in love and wondering if they should take the chance, take it, you will never know otherwise.  I am losing weight, getting my health back, humming at inappropriate times, and most excitingly, my creative spark has jumped into a roaring flame that can not be quenched. I am rediscovering all my old talents, and finding that maybe, all along, I should have written and not destroyed all I created before.  I am not crying over spilled milk however, but instead I am pushed to be ever better, ever stronger, ever more dedicated than before. I can not thank my learning enough, for at least all through 12 years of depression, I continued to learn. We are finding now, as humans, perhaps the greatest thing we can do, is love and be loved in return. It spurs us to greater highs and lets us recover from terrible lows. I have been, for the most part, very lonely in life, and now, with the love of a beautiful woman, I am finding joy and power in the world. My talents and ideas are looking worthy, and I am exuberant to move these ideas out into the world. When there was no love, I hated the sun, the very thing that gives us life on this beautiful planet, but now with love, I seek it, want it, need warmth and light to grow. The change I am growing through is wonderful, and I am looking forward to sleeping at night, and waking in the full golden light of morning.