Learning to say good night, at night.
The amazing luna moth, Actias luna.
Learning to get up when the sun is coming up, this is a new idea to me. I am moving towards a new life, and the emotions of doing things in the morning, and during the day, to rest at night, these are new. The change from dark to light will not happen soon enough, if you ask me. I am 43, and I have lived most of my life at night, using the day as only a bright beginning to a nocturnal life. It is true, we humans are adaptable, even to night, but it does make me wonder, what do the astronauts deal with, if they orbit the earth so fast? 1.52 hours per orbit, and that’s 15.7 days per normal earth day, so a whole lot of days and nights, smashed into the short time they have on the space station, day and night exchanging duties every hour. I imagine at some point you just wake up, do as much as you can, look down on earth and say, “how pretty!” and go to sleep.
All of this change is because of my beautiful fiance, who has walked into my life with the stunning light of a beautiful star. Shaken to my very core, the challenge of love has stripped me to my bare essentials, and where in my past, due to my raising and proclivities, I have always sought out the night, now I seek the day. I am learning to say goodnight at night, which is an unusual prospect for me. The process however, is not over for a long time, months actually, but at least not years. Due to a pure lucky chance of time and place, I am at the right time for the two of us to be together during normal hours, so we wake together, sleep together, and talk during the downtime of the late afternoon and evening together. Work is work, and the three-hour difference can mean a little less sleep for either her or me, but it is none the less a beautiful time, and we get to know each other better everyday, in a way that most long distance relationships rarely do. I work nights, and I am undisturbed after work, for the most part, so I can dedicate all my time after work to be with her, however, since I am currently employed in a bottle shop, we do not have any weekends together, so other than her holiday off work, we will have to make do until I move. And that event, my friends, will be the culmination of what I speak, the change from night to day.
I am leaving the States and joining the monarchy down under, and despite all the trials and turbulence I must face to move, the thing I am looking forward to, well, other than living with the woman I love, which is first and the most joy of moving, is that I will be living life by day, not night. I am moving out of the nocturnal, Plato-ish cave and finding the sun. My life at night goes back to when I was young, and to avoid the constant belligerence I dealt with as a child, I would sit up all night by myself, usually reading, but some times colouring with felt tip pens, or listening to music. This would of course, make me cranky and a bit under slept most of the time, and that pretty much is where the night living really started. I am getting old now, so this is a crazy mid-life crisis type of thing, completely changing my ways, not for the worse though, there is no stupid conceptual changes, these changes are down in my very core, my very psychology. I know that things are going to change in so many ways, and I can not wait!
I chose to write this blog about this particular subject because the change is just incredible, it is like I am learning to walk again. I have always been inspired by the stories of people putting their life back together after some event or tragedy put them in a hole, and now, I am experiencing that very same phenomena first hand. I feel like a babe, blinking in the sunlight, with a host of colours and sounds to learn anew and appreciate. For all those who have given me inspiration, thank you, for all those who wonder if they can do it, yes, it IS hard, but it is worth it, and finally, to all those in love and wondering if they should take the chance, take it, you will never know otherwise. I am losing weight, getting my health back, humming at inappropriate times, and most excitingly, my creative spark has jumped into a roaring flame that can not be quenched. I am rediscovering all my old talents, and finding that maybe, all along, I should have written and not destroyed all I created before. I am not crying over spilled milk however, but instead I am pushed to be ever better, ever stronger, ever more dedicated than before. I can not thank my learning enough, for at least all through 12 years of depression, I continued to learn. We are finding now, as humans, perhaps the greatest thing we can do, is love and be loved in return. It spurs us to greater highs and lets us recover from terrible lows. I have been, for the most part, very lonely in life, and now, with the love of a beautiful woman, I am finding joy and power in the world. My talents and ideas are looking worthy, and I am exuberant to move these ideas out into the world. When there was no love, I hated the sun, the very thing that gives us life on this beautiful planet, but now with love, I seek it, want it, need warmth and light to grow. The change I am growing through is wonderful, and I am looking forward to sleeping at night, and waking in the full golden light of morning.