On The Importance of Positive Thinking
Sometimes I feel my happiness is frozen in a jesters smile.
I am the luckiest man on earth. I can not impart to anyone who might read this, the absolute serendipity of my love, my future wife, the sun that shines on the desert of my soul. If you have read any of the things I have written, there is definitely an angry anti-social anarchist buried in the folds of my eloquence, and not very well hidden, most of you would remark on the head and shoulders that seem to be beneath the facade of my ill attempt at writing. I hope for a few things, one, to take the best of that anger, and put it to the test of energy. I know energy can be converted and used elsewhere, and as I am unequivocally giving up the role as an angry blue collar punker and turning over the new leaf as a forward thinking writer, I came to a halting point yesterday. My blog flowed easily and freely from my hands to the keyboard, but on review, I realized that it was mostly an angry rant, brought on by the half of me that still has to go and be a cashier everyday. I wanted to write twice yesterday, to make up for the time lost while my fiance was sick, but she did not recover until today, so I was only able to get a few hours to write what I did. In the tension, I got wrapped up in basically reviewing everything that everyone with a brain already knows, but in the end I lightened up and moved on. Last night I asked her what I should write about to today, looking for inspiration, and instead, I got the rather tell tale whip mark of doing something about positive thinking. I deserved it, because I myself have railed on about changing my perspective and learning to be brighter and lighter in this world. I do not look upon it with punishment though, I relish this challenge, and there I find the truth to my outlook and perspective change.
I think there are basically two forces in life we deal with, learning and fun. Fun is instant, usually spontaneous, and the results can last a lifetime. Learning is much more difficult, can take a whole lifetime, and the results may never come about. I am certainly a fun person, and as I overcome the walls I have put up for being a social reject, I can usually be found to have a quick wit, a funny face, and I love it when I can not stop laughing. Learning has higher walls, and especially in my older age, my second half of life, I am finding it to be painfully obvious that I have an inborn streak of obstinacy and anger that goes back throughout my life, and continues to this day. Dropping this state is going to be a long ugly road of learning for me, and the importance of positive thinking is always on the feeder road beside the highway of my mind. It is the very nature of my want to learn and the challenge of change that will get me over the hump, and confidently soon, although until I arrive to hold the hand of the one I love, it is going to be a very long and hard fought battle. I am setting up camp though, between the lanes of positive and negative, and I am definitely going to be waving the positive’s flag for every fight I must endeavor. I am learning though, it may seem at work I am more uptight and impatient, but the truth is, I am just burnt out by being at a long time employment with no real joy or vacation from it in the almost eight years I have been there. Truthfully, if not for my beau, I would have already lost it and told everyone off and meant it as well, then got fired, and right now be on the unemployed with no unemployment insurance list. And with the just overwhelming availability of jobs in america, well yeah, let’s just not go there. Truth is, I can usually relax on my breaks, especially if there is sun outside, because the sun reminds me of her, and anything that reminds me of her makes me smile. Long term regulars who come to chat with me also speak of her, and that helps, as well.
I do not have any advice for finding your path to positive thinking, because to be honest, I am just learning it myself, but to quote an old book by Richard Bach, “Learning is finding out what you already know. Doing is demonstrating that you know it. Teaching is reminding others that they know just as well as you. You are all learners, doers, and teachers.”* To put it bluntly, we teach what we need to learn best, and hopefully, this little diatribe over my quest to remain positive in an ever crumbling tyranny will help someone else trying to deal with it. I will admit, finding the love of my life, that is really not what everyone who is looking for a path to positive thinking can do, but is that really the thing? I had started on a new path two years ago, before I met her, and sometimes, I think it is the fact that I changed from the outset that led me to her. I would not have been as open to ideas, or relationships, as I was when I met her, as compared to two years ago. What really happened was I took a look at myself, morbidly obese, drunk, and a cashier, and was terribly upset. I cried at night alone, and decided I had to change. The change only came when I was honest with myself, and really, that is the beginning of any good relationship. In order to love, you must love yourself, and have an honest relationship with yourself. In order to think positive, you must have something you love, and really, that something must be yourself. Being honest with yourself is the hardest thing at the best of times, but it is certainly most important at the worst of times. I must re-iterate, I am the luckiest man in the world. I found a muse right when I needed her the most, and her shining flame of inspiration is something I will always be grateful to have, but in honesty, the hardest thing to say is that I found myself, hated myself, and put myself on the right track before we ever met. If you are finding being positive a really hard thing, make sure you love yourself first, and if you don’t, change yourself so you do, because hatred can do many things, but it can not save you from yourself.
* – “Illusions – The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah”
by Richard Bach – 1977