The Struggle to Stay Sane

by cunningstuff

I find it sad, and anger inducing.

I am currently obese. I want to say that outright and simply, because it is true, there is no way around it, and I am doing something about it. It is however, a very hard journey when you are poor. I am really an angry american, because I know all I need is the money to eat properly, and I could lose most of this weight in two months, and then drop into a really healthy body in a year. I am frustrated because I do not have the money I need to juice fast for 2 months, then I do not have the money I need to eat raw food 6 times a week. I can be very obsessed with food, and this is not helping me at all. I find more options now than I did ten years ago, and there are things I can do, but the sanity part is really about how angry I am with the working conditions for people in america right now. I gave up trying to own a car fifteen years ago, and have not owned one since. I am very glad I am not a car owner, because with my weight condition, I at least had to walk to the store and bus stops to get around. I sincerely think that it is that simple condition that has let me live this long. At one point, I am sure I was over 500 pounds. I am losing regularly, thanks to removing beer from my diet, but I still have long way to go. I pretty much drank and ate my way into an unhealthy body, but I had luck on my side as I was raised in heavy labor. I have pretty much destroyed all of that benefit, but hopefully, I will be able to live a decent life span now that I am trying to take care of myself. Not owning a car let me afford a slightly better apartment, but the rates have never gone down, and the wages have never gone up, so even though I have done everything I can to increase my money available, I keep losing every year to new price hikes on everything else.

How do I stay motivated to a healthy diet? How do I stay motivated about anything at all, to be honest? I have to thank my love, my sweetheart, my gorgeous lady for taking me to the next level. I am definitely through with drugs and alcohol, because the feelings I get when I am with her are subdued if I am stoned or drunk. I had eliminated these things mostly from my daily life, before we met, but now I am motivated to not pick them up again when times are hard. Writing has become my other outlet, where I can rant and rave and if you don’t like it, change the web page, or print it out and hit it with a stick. I am also trying to move to a more positive state of mind, fueled by love, I am finding it to be an easy change. It slips though, this stable positive me, it slips all the time. I can not talk about work anymore, it is an endeavor doomed to me being pissed off and focusing on the bad things that happen there. I am appalled at the humiliation and the hierarchy of retail business, and it is only because they have so many people desperate and by the balls. Everyone who has left my workplace is never coming back, and it is almost without argument from anyone who has done the work I do. I meet up with people from time to time, and they tell me how bad it was, how they would never come back, excepting of course, they have to start looking at being homeless.

Sanity slips at that point, and I become insane. There more than enough materials and food in the world, no one should be homeless for any reason. There is no reason decent housing is not available, and there is no reason that anyone who holds a full time job should have to worry about housing, ever. I can not do any thing about it, because I live in a fascist totalitarian regime that worships its money holders, and does nothing for its citizens, while we try and partition out meekly the stuff that was left over from the baby boomers era of prosperity.  There was a lot leftover, but times being what they are, there is no way to use stuff that sits empty, owned by banks and corporations, while people wander the streets insane and hungry. Most free land is also owned, by either the government or corporations, so there is no way to get people to innovate or try harder to own something. Mostly, we are dumbed down by televisions in fast food eateries and told to support our sports teams so we can feel a part of the growing divide that separates the haves from the have nots.

I am getting change, a chance, and an opportunity from my beloved, a way out of this mess, and I feel bad about it, but lucky as all hell. I am moving to a place that is beautiful, with an economy, and although it has its own problems and finger pointing, I am not taking part of it. I am going to run with this one chance to change things and live like a sane person, before everything collapses here and goes to the dogs. There is still time however, I make very little, and things seem to be going faster and faster the wrong ways, that I worry I may not escape the insanity, I worry that one day it will finally overtake me and I will become another dead joe in a long line of dead joes, at the hands of an uncaring, apathetic, selfish state, and probably glad of the deaths of so many of my fellow humans. Nine months from this writing, and I will be on my way, I only hope that the barriers of sanity hold until I can start my new life.

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