Learning to Trust Writing
I learned to read music in 7th grade, when I was 12.
I have two new friends, one is my best friend and confident, a beautiful lady I mention not quite often enough for my liking and probably too much for hers, and the other is ethereal and elusive, but almost as important, my writing. Writing is slowly becoming a very significant item in my daily life, as I step up the amount and the content I am creating. I recently found some old files I had not destroyed from a year past, not completed and rather rough, probably not as fluent as I am becoming, but influential none the less. One is a background story and derisive, probably offensive story about the bible, and the other is a beginning story of science fiction, using a far older me as the storyteller. Both are unique and interesting, and I might publish them here, just to add a bit of content, since I am making this blog essential to me.
I am not sure if this is the proper path to pursue, putting so much onto the public world and telling all like I do here, but I a have an internal voice that gives me insight, and I am learning to trust that voice. The call I follow is the same call that directs my fingers on this keyboard, and I know it is my internal dialog that I am following. A mixture of both conscious thought and unconscious creation, it is intimately familiar to me, because I have felt it many times. When I have a paintbrush in my hands, or pen, or a bass, I can not actually hear it, I can just follow it. Nothing is actually telling me anything, and sometimes it is pure nonsense, but it is there, guiding my thoughts and words in a heedless direction. I studied Jungian theory, and I know it is something that is an intimate part of who I am, it is indeed, the actions of my soul and heart, and thanks to my study of music, my mind as well. Carlos Castaneda wrote a lot of silly stuff, but one of his ideas, the idea of naguel and the normal world, was not so much some crazy knocked off notion, but instead a way of understanding the non-archetype of our subconscious. There is what we can see and feel, the material world, the world we interact with on a daily normal basis, and then there is the other world, the world outside of what we can see, and that is the naguel. I may have it wrong from memory, the word, but I think it is the right idea, a vast gulf of unseen things that we can call upon and even create with. It is the naguel that is driving me, and my ability to tap into it that lets me write as I do.
My subconscious is in point of fact the source of the voice that directs me here, to this blog, to share with you, the world. I have this compulsion now, to move around in here, to share and think with this interaction, and quite unlike anything I have felt before. Sharing my thoughts here is not much different from musical spontaneity, but it is at the same time, just as elusive and self defining. I came here at the first, just to write, to write and nothing else, put down a thousand words, (or some odd number, I just settled on a thousand,) and move on through my day. Now I am finding in myself and my writing, new insight and ideas, the ability to influence myself, and to get some idea of what is going on out there in the universe. Please do not think I am unselfish, I have been privileged to read other blogs, and I have gleaned what I need from them, but I am finding what Cristian Mihai said to be true, you are either a writer or you are not. Classes, books, groups, and other learnings are fine, but you either write or you don’t, and that is basically what makes a writer.
One thing in particular has substantiated my trust in myself, and that is the continuous repost of others ideas instead of direct interaction. I am finding I can learn and elaborate off of others insights into themselves, but the advice and the push for easier content creation and greater acceptance leads me cold. Lighteningpen wrote recently about his youth, and it made me think much harder than the blog on 5 ways to increase your something or another. It took me back to my youth, and made me realize I have been fighting the oldest demon of all, the demon of uncertainty and self-doubt. Power indeed from something that was in all probability not intended to make me sense my barrier, but used as a personal insight to elaborate a point. My intention is not to copy them, nor will I, my intention is simply to state that it is people, observation, and my own inherent dialog that makes my writing mine, and that essentially makes me want to write.
Basically it all comes back to doing this, writing, and writing everyday, stretching the limits of my mind. I am starting to like my writing, even if it is not the great dialogue I might imagine other writers doing. Writing is absolutely my dialogue, my way into the world of writing, and I am going to continue to build my trust and love of my word. Writing is the music of text, where notes add up to songs, and songs tell stories, and stories write symphonies, and symphonies become books of words that can help us all relate to each other. I will trust in my words, like I trust in my fingers when I play, and hopefully, the nonsense that comes out will be pleasurable enough to everyone that they like it.