Most Absolutely Inept Way Possible

by cunningstuff

Only thing missing is the needles and pins.

I wonder why everyone gives up on love. I am 43, I have had a hard life, and a long lonely life, until I found love. My life is harsh, chaotic and without form, without love that is. I never knew what I was doing or where I was going, why anything had ever happened to me. I do not know when I lost my parents love, but maybe I never had it, maybe the love I felt was just the protectiveness parents put in their life to deal with having a child. As I grew up and gained my own sense of voice and ideas, the feeling of love for me left, and I was actually just alone the whole time. I am old enough to know of a time when families would disown girls for being promiscuous, like my mother. After I was born, my step dad and mother told my grandfather he could be a part of my life, or he could go his own way, but the circumstances were far more varied than I ever knew, at least until grandpa made it known to me why things happened the way they did. I was born of wedlock, but my grandfather always treated me with honor, and always made me feel strong. His basic advice to me was, “Be strong, your family will try to push you down, but make your own path, and stay yourself.” Little did I know he was exactly right, once adulthood hit me, I was on my own, first from my own choice, then from trying to avoid more poisoning of my life by my family. Until I finally left, my mother and father would actually try to sabotage me, calling my work and telling my bosses I was, “hooked on drugs,” and other whispers like, “He has been traveling all over the US, like a carney.”

I eventually learned of such backstabbing, and left them forever, never to return. I would then return to my life and my friends, and have a great time in life. I loved my friends fiercely, but eventually, a romance would end my closeness I would always be trying to feel, and fulfill. I have been told what a great friend I was, how much difference in someone’s life I had made, but no one would ever return it to me. I knew I was doomed to be, “the friend,” forever, no matter what I would do, I would always be a safe option but never the loved one. Even so, in my heart, I never gave up. My mind, yeah, it was quite happily looking at alternative lifestyles, perhaps I could be the old drunk at the bar. I remember thinking I could possibly be the crummiest person on the block, or perhaps even the grumpiest person anyone ever met, but it would never pan out for me. Get me drunk, let my hair down, play some music, and boom, the loud, fun, silly, and unpredictable me would fall out and have a good time.

I am an incurable romantic, I have herpes of romance, no matter what I do it will flare up and take my heart on some great journey. I am one of the few men who has ever cried watching “Sense and Sensibility.” In “Fifth Element,” when Leloo first meets Korben, she has this sudden realization that she likes him out of all the people she had encountered up to that point, and her face lights up and her lips just start telling the story. I cry almost every time, because I wanted that to be me. I wanted that person, that love to come, and I would just be there for them forever, sharing and trusting in another love. I will cry when in “Rurouni Kenshin,” Miss Kaoru wants Kenshin to be her lover, and he has to go and do something to save the world. I have loved, and I had always lost. I lost to other boyfriends who were horrible, to other toys that girls will take on, I lost to money, to fame, to power. I would lose and lose and lose and I think I went insane for about ten years, after so much rejection and displacement, I began to doubt whether life was worth living. My heart, so to speak, gave up.

Love came back though, and rewired the broken pieces of my heart into one. First the love of friends, who saw I was not a crazy person, but genuinely honest and honorable. The love of music next took me, and I began to put the rewired pieces of my heart back together. You can not write even a simple bass line without being a whole person, because you must be able to hear the music as a whole with a whole heart, and a soothed mind. You have to be able to communicate with the drummer, and express the duo of timing and notes so the rest of the band can float with it. So my mind healed, my heart healed, and then, I began to work on my body and my spirit.

Right about this time, the fates must have decided I would not survive another forty years without any love, and placed in my path, my true love, my lover and best friend, my bride to be, my Queen. If I had truly given up on love, I would have never understood who I met. It took an astonishing three days for me to realize I was in love, maybe perhaps because we were half a planet apart and in a virtual reality when it all took place. I remember on the third day, I was absolutely scared, to the point of shaking, to lose contact with her, and in the most absolutely inept way possible, asked her to be my partner in game. This becomes my true life fairy tale from that point on, and life has become a wonderful place for me to be, finally.

I am on my way to a new career, a new body, a new spirit, though that bit is the roughest of all my parts perhaps, and a new world, literally half the globe from where I am now. I have actually left behind my hatred of the summer, and embrace warmth and sun with all true joy, very opposite of how I have been all my life. That is what is getting me today, how much I love the heat, the sun, the day and the clouds and the wind and the blue, blue sky. I am changing, I am growing up, and I am liking the way things are, instead of wanting to always change the way things have been done. Please, no matter how dark, please never give up on love, for I do think all those lonely years were better spent, and made me a better person, just because I wanted to love.