Cauldron of Fire – Final

by cunningstuff

My three year goal, to be able to keep up with runners… running. But not here, Bondi beach, darnit.

The future is never a solid surface or color, but instead it is a morass of vitality. It is something to be both looked forward to, and scared of.  I am very happy with my progress so far, but I am by no means finished. Indeed, as I finally lose weight and start to become human, I am realizing that this is the culmination of my entire life so far. If I want to double my life, I am going to have to work twice as hard in half the time to make up for it. Now by no means do I want to be a health nut, but I do want to be in great shape. I want to be in a position where I know what I am eating, if it is too much how to get rid of the excess easily, and mostly eat fresh vegetables and fruits.  I do not want however, to become antisocial about food, I want to gracefully accept other people’s offerings, and I want to indulge once in a while.  I am positive I can pull this off, but it will be at least two to three years before I feel confident about my appearance. I have been told less time than that with training, but I am not holding my breath. I am not going to punish myself for being so big, I want to know and love myself for everything I have been as well as what I am going to be.

When I feel I have my appetite under control, I am going to be doing a juice fast. I have a calendar of guesstimates I am following, and I’m going with the flow of time and rational thought. I want to take 60 days off completely from any sort of bad food, any sort of temptation, and clear my system for the big change. I will have plenty of nutrients, and I would like to see my body get some good stuff in it without me screwing it up. I think the change will do me good, and make me appreciate things like broccoli salad and apples more than I do. I intend to go to a 6 day a week fresh food only diet, where if it is processed or cooked, I can not eat it, but to eat raw food only.  That leaves me one day a week to eat with a friend, to have dinner with the family, to pig out on chocolate or brisket. It is not that I have these cravings to eat bad, it’s just, damn, BBQ is soooo good. I want to be able to go to the hot new sushi restaurant, I want to be able to have a lunch with a business associate, I want to share champagne and brunch with my fiance  and not be labeled a nut job.

I also have a goal for exercise, not just eating. When I can go 20-30 kilometers a day without struggle, I will be a very happy man. I can currently go 9-10, so I think my goal is very modest. When I can do 50 kilometers without busting myself, I will consider most of my exercise goals to be accomplished, I want some stamina, and I want to be able to go all day with anyone who chooses to go, whether I am swimming, hiking, or walking the dog. I had thought about going to a boxing gym, but to be honest, I think I am to passive for such active training anymore. I would not mind having a few muscles and whatnot, but I want to write more than I want to become Mr. Olympia when I am 50. You never know though, I may change my mind on how I want to approach this. I have some 1 year and 2 year goals, mostly let’s get me into a x-large t-shirt instead of 3x, and I would like to be able to buy pants off the rack at any store I go to. That is my premise for 1 year, to be just XL and wear jeans again. Once again, pretty modest goals, and there is allowance in there for some failure, I am not that strict, but I want to be throwing clothes away because they are to big, not buying clothes because I got to big.

Funny thing to, everyone wants to know what I weigh, well, to be honest, I have no clue. I want to fit into stuff, not worry about my kilo’s. I want to be able to bike for 20 kilometers, not tell you I lost so much this week. I could care less about the numbers, I will let a doctor worry about it. I do not care what my heart rate is, I do not care how long it takes to do 20 kilometers, I just care that I can do it.  That was one thing the trainer I spoke to agreed with me on. It is not a suitable goal to worry about your weight, when you should be proud of your accomplishments instead. Weight worry is stupid stress I think. I know I am healthier, I can give succinct medical reasons why, and they have nothing to do with a number on a scale, but instead things like: less pain, easier on my feet, back is stronger, grip is stronger. I hope that any one who is battling with their weight problems read’s this: It is not about your weight, it is about your health. Let the doctor worry about those numbers, let them tell you this or that and then go home and laugh, because today you did one kilometer on your bike, tomorrow you can do two. I like shrinking my living area into something I can get around in without a car. I like telling my fiance, “Oh the grocery shop is only 1 kilometer away! I can get there faster on my bike than it takes you to get in your car and drive there!”

Thank you for letting me get this personal business out of my system. I needed to get it out of my head and onto paper, (so to speak, heh.) I want to put it in a place I can not ignore, and I want to be able to measure myself against it in a year, and then again in two. I am always willing to speak to anyone about what I am doing, and if you know anyone who is struggling with weight problems, feel free to direct them to me, either personally at my email or to just read this series. I am no doctor, but I am living in ‘merica when I began this journey, without a professional doctor to help me, and I have done alright. I would like to know I can help, at least in getting started, because I do know something most doctors do not, I know what it is like to be scared to death of death and your fat, and I am open and candid about what I have been through.