Love is the Love I Need
To support someone is not hard, be there for them, talk to them, encourage them. Let them find their own path, discover their own mistakes, and love them through it, be nice, be forgiving, be understanding. Give them what you can, and always hold on to a little extra time for them. Funny thing is, until I met my beautiful Lady, I never knew what that felt like. The change in me has been overwhelming, I sometimes feel I am drowning in happiness, and other times, I am desperate for her contact. The worst times are right now, while she is dealing with personal problems and I can not be there to hug her. I am in love, deeply in love, but I am in love with someone who supports me, and who I do my best to support in return. Best of times are every night, when we fall asleep with each other, and wake up to each other through the night and into the morning. I have never been supported, I have never had someone really have my interests at heart, and it is the difference between night and day. I guess, to be honest, and I know I have said it before, I have never been loved.
Now I am not going out on a negative note here, I am just saying it, because the opposite, the truth of real love, is just so amazing to me. First of all, it is true, what all the people who have spoken about falling love have said, you must love yourself before you can love another. Attraction often screws us over with this, because we are attracted not loved, and we confuse those things when we are young. Hell, I see a lot of people doing that at my age. Instead of pursuing love, it becomes easier to be attracted and discard all personal responsibility to another. Love should be forever, and it means being beside that person no matter what. Attraction is nice, but more important is communication, care, support. One thing I learned from spending years in the fetish world, communication is everything, attraction is very much second to three other things, which is support, trust, and honor. Breaking honor is like breaking a heart, you know when you are doing wrong, and if you do not correct it, you have been selfish and deserve to lose the other two. Support is needed so that people understand they can confide in you, that you won’t fly off the handle, that you won’t judge, but instead will be there for them, especially if the chips have not fallen down. Trust is implicit, and its is first found in the binding of all three, communication. If you do not trust someone, you will not communicate with them effectively, really, trust and communication are almost the same thing.
Before you can use those three though, you must be able to use them on yourself. You must trust yourself, you must be honorable to yourself, and you must support yourself. You will not be able to do any of these things for another if you can not do them yourself. Loving myself was the longest battle I ever fought, and I do not think it is won just yet, although I do feel I love myself well enough. Educating yourself can go a long way towards helping you do that. I was forever angry at myself for choosing trades that did nothing for my future, but once I got the gist of the fact that the US has been sending trades overseas at a ridiculous rate since the 50’s, I could accept the fact that trades died out just as I was learning them, not every job loss was my fault. Once I understood that we as a people of this country have had our future ripped off by a central bank, I could understand why so little opportunity ever showed its face to me. Understanding all of that has led me to that strange place some of us find ourselves at in our 40’s. Doing what we love, at any cost, at any price, just so we do something in our lives we love.
My beautiful Queen did one great thing for me I never could. I had battled up the ladder of self loathing to reach the top, but I had no clue what I was going to do. I was trying art, I was trying music, I had even written a little. Truth be known though, I was quite clueless, until she made up my mind for me. We were talking about what I would do once we got married and lived together, and she said very flatly, very distinctly, “You are going to be a writer.” Not to be dramatic, but it was like someone had hit me with a brick. I mulled over it for a couple of weeks, then I started this blog, and have been writing ever since. I do not know if I would have gotten there on my own, but hell, I certainly took to it like it was made for me. I can however, never repay her for the greatest insight I have ever needed in my life, the one piece of advice I could truly lock onto and gnaw on with my teeth, all the way to the bone.
However, I do want to say, I was trying, and trying hard to find what I loved. I was playing bass like a madman, and not maybe two weeks after I got into writing, three different bands wanted me to try out with them. Just like writing, playing music is an ever-growing, ever learning process, and those are two things I really like. More than anything though, is Love, yes, with a capital L, is the thing I always needed. True love, with support and honesty, trust and honor, is the one piece I needed. I know some folks are fine on their own, but I am not, I need my mate, and I do not want to live without her. If you are old like me, have faith in love, if it is what you are searching for, just make sure to learn to love yourself on the way and it will happen.