Forever Alone

by cunningstuff

This is a great story in itself, this picture. I want to know more than just what the photographer offered.

How much can you share when you are the writer? Tonight as I finished up a nice win with my team partner in League of Legends, I asked him to give me a topic to write about, and he said simply, “No.” For about ten seconds I was petulant, but then I realized, he doesn’t have any responsibility to me as a writer. No one has responsibility to me as writer, so suck it up, big boy. I then thought of a reddit I saw, where a professional writer responded to one of the many look-a-like threads complaining of having no ability to write. Basically, he said oh please, please keep these threads coming. For every thread you complain for 500 words about how hard your life is as a writer, I write a thousand words that either make me money, or will make me money.

Now, at the time, I was a bit put off at his words. I had just started my blog and was trying to learn as much as I could. I knew that this thread was mostly about learning to write, and there were the normal threads there, telling the same song and dance we all hear when we start. Write, write when you don’t feel like it, write when you feel like it. Show, don’t tell. I don’t need to hash these out in explicit detail, so let’s leave it at that. I did think, well, he has a point. I will be entering the field of freelance writing soon enough, and I want as little competition as I can have. The less I have to deal with, the more lucrative my contracts can be. It happened to me however, for the past few days, I have been at a loss for words.

So back to where I started, the big no. I took it to heart. For a few seconds I ruminated about and cherished my no. I washed it clean in the river, and I asked it, once we were friends, what it could tell me. Inspiration is always perspiration, so my washing and befriending did the trick. Tell other writers what that no means, and why it was rude to ask. We know in some ways, we are forever alone. Writers are a unique bunch, and even though there are more of us than there used to be, well, that goes for everyone. I remember seeing in the 80’s this guy who did tiny sculptures, and he was famous for it. Now there are like ten guys making tiny sculptures, and they are all successful. Media blitz knocks our awareness down a notch, but if you look there are all kinds of successful writers out there.

Success is another thing that has changed. What is success? I am not a fan of celebrities, because I have already lived like a rock star. I was lucky to survive, but fame is not what I seek. I am not a capitalist, so money is not what I seek. Recognition comes with peers, not the world, so I know one day I will be fine with my talents. I think my idea of success would be knowing I was helping folks out, showing them paths they didn’t think, or know, existed. Not much money in there, but to be honest, as a freelance writer, I should be able to make enough money to live off of. My books are where I intend to sink my guts in, show my teeth, make my voice heard. So I guess success would be for me to have some feedback that I was able to influence someone into thinking about things, or even being an instrument of influence into action. So for me, success is going to be about influence, and I am going to be going it alone.

I no longer care about the words of that thread. He wants money, you know what? Let him have it. Money has never brought anyone love, never bought happiness. People who use money as a salve for everything never make anything better in the long run, because they are just using the old I am rich so let’s be charitable route. I live in a capitalist world, but if I could change anything, it would be exactly that, so my writing is not about money, it is actually about the opposite of money. Do I want to make money as writer? Well, yes, because I live in a world that needs money to survive, and I want to survive. Do I want to make it my priority?

There is the catch, if you were thinking like I was. I must make capital to be able to write to get rid of capital. Well, that’s my paradox, and I will have to work with it. I know one thing though, this is being proven in our society, spoken of a lot lately. Self publishing gives you more money, and tears down the infrastructure that removes opportunity from people like me. To broaden the world of the independent artists, well, for that I certainly could be self published. I certainly could use lots of money to finance research into different ways of doing things, of showing the world what mistakes we are making, to show the people that another way exists. Myriad and infinite ways exist, far different from just the super rich holding the world under their thumbs.

I am glad to be alone, because I have spent my whole life arguing and trying to convince people that we need to change. Now I am just going to show them. I am glad I am becoming a writer, I am glad to be showing and not telling. This here old blog is just my off the cuff resource, it is not what I aspire to, but in it, I can think, and show you what I am thinking. I want to be a part of the world, not a Thomas Pynchon, forever truly alone. I want to share and grow because of my fellow human, not be insulated from it all, so I will continue to write alone, but I will come here and share how I got there with you. Eventually, this will be a font of creativity for me, a place that when my own “no” comes into play, I can come here, talk with you, and learn again, that which I need to know most. Be alone, but be a part of us all. What a beautiful thought.