On Quitting Smoking
Oh Harajuku friend, I wish I could tell you how hard it is to quit.
Quit. Quit the habits, quit the moping, deal with the withdrawal and quit. It is not much of a plan, but it is the one I am going to follow. I have 3 smokie treats left, and I have left them for tomorrow, then that is it. I have been quitting for 4 years. I can not believe I am even saying that, 4 damned years. I am still quitting, but this time, I am saying it publicly, and I have a lot going for this part of my life. My sweetheart and I have been planning this for weeks, and we both agreed to quit at about the same time. Her day was today, her first free day, and I am so damned proud of her. I am still on the crutch, but I am down to just three smokes tomorrow and I am done. I cracked today, I admit, and I was unsettled last night, so I know what is coming, but I will explain all today.
The first time I laid them down, it was my first attempt to get better in general at life. I was obese, I was depressed, I was just trying anything that might lead me down a better path. You could say I was not ready, but the truth is, I didn’t really want to quit. When you are depressed, and trying to get out of the hole, you will do anything to make changes. You will drink too much, you will eat too much, or maybe the exact opposite. I am glad I started back then though, because ever since that first time, I have had a growing distaste for the habit, and I cut down to half a pack a day.
I would drink, then go back to smoking almost immediately. I would smoke weed, and walk the three painful blocks to get smokes and junk food. I am glad again though, because it was changing my habits. I would quit every 5-6 months, lose my willpower, go back. I set up a cycle of quitting though, and though it was the familiar cycle of abuse, I was smoking less and less every year. This year was a breakthrough year for me. I realized I needed to just stop drinking, and I set it up so I was broke and could not buy marijuana either. I went one week, two weeks, three weeks, a month. I about this time met my beautiful love, my sweet Everstar, and her influence changed my entire outlook on life.
We fell madly, ridiculously, abruptly in love. I was set spinning, a beautiful smart woman who loved the things I loved, who had her own opinion, who was a black sheep in life and family just like I was. I fasted to calm the storm, did not eat for three days, and completely dropped all the sodas and junk food I had still been excusing after I quit drinking. I have to credit her though, her love was powerful, so powerful that I was actually high. I had not encountered natural happiness since I was kid, and the chemistry of my brain was actually changed by her love. I had a new high, a new way of being happy. I am not trying to say she was my substitute drug, but we joked about it, half in jest, half in truth, we were both happy, for the very first time in our fairly long lives of loneliness.
Once, not long after we had partnered to each other and promised to each other, I brought home some vodka and had a drink while we talked and laughed. The alcohol clouded my new high, my happiness and love, and I can tell you, I never want to drink again. She makes me strong and beautiful, and is the very bridge I cross in life now, and I will not endanger that feeling ever again. The same thing goes for the weed and the junk food. I am not perfect yet, but let me explain, this month I am the happiest about joining a gym at the end of the month and going on a six-day a week raw food diet. I am not whingeing about losing the treats and drugs, I am instead excited about getting into better shape for my lover.
I never quit smoking with a friend before, and now I am quitting with my future wife. We are investing into our bodies future, so we can be around each other as long as the fates will let us. I never had such motivation before, and to be honest, I have been looking forward to quitting smoking ever since we met. Moving to a healthier lifestyle is now the choices I want to make, not just the habits I need to break, the bad thing I am doing that I need to stop. It is a positive outlook, not the end of a negative idea or habit.
One of my first blogs was about how I was learning to say goodbye to living at night, living the life of a party person, and instead joining up with the part of humanity that runs in the daylight. I did not realize back then many things, not the least of which was my horrible writing. I have since learned so much in the light of my beautiful love, coming out in the day, riding my bike, taking control of my life in way that is easy, not hard. I read this book on quitting smoking, and basically the author said look, if you want to quit, just do it. Change your mind about it. I would actually like to write that guy, tell him, hey look, in return, you gotta be in the frame of mind that allows such a thing.
Love is a beautiful thing. I am sad for so many people not finding it, or when they do, allowing the bad habits of their lives to come between the love you can share with another. Stay in love, and use that love, let it be the great motivator, I am living proof it works.