Trying to be Reborn

by cunningstuff

I am a weird sort of man, I have discovered. I have a lot of affinity for the old school ways of thought. I admire the ideals of honor and love, I stick to my guns and tend towards stubbornness and a DIY ethic. On the other side of the fence though, I follow tech very closely, I am an egalitarian, and I prefer living in a city. I have a youthful tendency  but my core is this old style of thinking it seems. I am just musing about it, but it seems that I am forever looking for change, but I always want change to be the expedient and humanitarian version of what is going on.  I am not a lucky man, and I do not like to chances, but I absolutely refuse follow a conservative’s pattern and vote for the choice of the wealthy and the elite. I feel lost on our modern world, like I am some sort of knight of the round table wandering through a space station, but at the same time, I feel like the knights were idiots, and they still seem to be in charge.

If you have read through my blog you realize that more than anything, this posting station is a place for me to let off some steam, learn the basics of writing a lot more than anything I was required to do back in grade school, and a sort of profile on the changes I am going through. I hate to say midlife crisis, because what I am feeling is more like a midlife diplomatic treaty signing. I need to find a way to happiness, and I have been given the ultimate prize, the love of a wonderful woman. I am not fighting this, but accepting with all my heart, I love this lady, she is unique, special, beautiful and worth everything in the whole world. My biggest obstacle to it all is my past, having never really been happy, or in control of my self. I have had good times, please do not get me wrong, I am not searching for pity here, I have had some ridiculously good times, and I regret nothing of my choices in life, but all my choices were completely selfish, with no regard to my future.

Now things have changed, and the changes are all amazing and wonderful, again I regret nothing I am choosing to do, but this time, I have to really change. I can not pull out anything from my hat of tricks, trick hats do not write novels. I have done some amazing things this year, and I am asking myself to do one more, and it is the hardest. I write this today though, with good intentions and hopefully the commitment to see it through, to actually really change how I eat and think about food.  I am sick to death of eating bad, it is killing me, and I do not want to do it any more, yet it is the habits of a 44-year-old man who has never changed his eating habits much, if at all. I feel stuck in the mud, battling everyday for complete dominance over my health and future, but never gaining much ground because no matter what, I still have to deal with the stresses of a crappy job with no money and trying to make gold come out of it. I say that in the light that all of my stress tools were eliminated this year. When I stressed in the past, I would light up a smoke, or ten, and as soon as I could I would get stoned and drunk afterwards. I am not proud of those choices  but to be honest, is that not what most of us do as well?

So here I am, getting stress and trying to eliminate my last stress dealing tool, eating. I do not want this tool anymore, I do not and I refuse to use it again, is what I am saying today. I am going to do my best to fast with nothing more than water and maybe a cup of coffee for next three days. I am kicking energy drinks, by having one last one at the start of my fast. I am intending on releasing my stress in two new tools for me, competitive gaming and writing. I intend to use writing to deal with everything that bothers me from now on, so I can bitch or rant or whatever in my words here or in private writing, using the energy and emotion for influence and inspiration. I intend to use the gaming for anger and stress release, a way to dump my negativity into a vast sea of peaceful violence. I do NOT intend to be a competing gamer, but just to play hard to learn and fast reflex games, so that I can be involved and not think for a little while, because that is what the drinking, smoking, and marijuana was all about, not thinking.  I also hope to get back into meditation, and learn a little tai chi and yoga.

One step at a time though, my friends, one step at a time. Today started horribly, I got disconnected from my love to start the day, and I have had a migraine that started yesterday, growing all through the morning.  The white screen of WordPress is the crappiest thing for a migraine, so it is taking its toll to write this. I do not have the patience to change the settings, I just want to get this out, so I can stay focused on my goal over the next three days. I will write more tomorrow, and I will be getting back into the swing of steady blogging again over the next week. On a side note, if you read this far, I am more than willing to hear what anybody thought of my story, I do not like it Sam I Am, but I needed to end it and move on. One day I want to rewrite it and make it what it is in my head, but nonetheless I am happy I got it out.