Cunningstuff

A new life, for an old man.

Month: December, 2012

Moving Along

What lion? I don’t see a lion?!? And since when can they fly?

One of the hardest things to do is to forgive yourself when you have been an ass. I have been an ass so many times you would think it would get easier, but instead, it gets harder. First of all, I know I should be better, I know better, yet I still fuck up. It’s like I can not resist tapping that sore tooth with a toothpick, picking around till I find the tender spot, no matter how much I know it is going to hurt all night if I do. Basically, I am a monkey, and I am not going to use my knowledge for any good use, that would imply I am smart. Instead, I will throw away a lifetime of learning and reading and thinking to myself, you never go into the haunted house alone! And promptly go inside the damn haunted house alone.

I just finished reading House of Leaves. It’s one of those crazy intellectual books you have to read, and it is one of those cute stories you have to think about. I mean “cute”. I usually am much more linear in my reading, William Gibson or Patrick Ruthfuss, perhaps, some nice straightforward sci-fi or fantasy, and then get along with myself, but House of Leaves was ponderous, scattered, and the writer really really wanted me to think when I was done, which, of course, I fell for. I am still analyzing it, and I haven’t touched it for 4 months. Like a monkey given a choice between a banana in a trap or freedom, I gotta get the banana.

I feel the same way when given the obvious right choice and the obvious wrong choice. I get out my toothpick and probe for the weak spot, not in the situation, but in myself. Ok I know it is smart to stay in the light, but where does that dark alley lead to? IT MUST BE A SHORTCUT! And zoom! I am down the alley, never mind the three gang bangers waiting around the dark corner for a dumb ass like me to go. Back when I lived in downtown Houston, that really how my mugging went. I would walk where I pleased, never mind the darkness, the obvious group of people, just move along, get on through, BAM baseball bat in the jaw, and of course, I would carry my whole paycheck with me as well, cause, hell why the fuck should I put the money in a safe place?

I am a walking nightmare of safety hazards, road hazards, and a blithe way to walking among the minefields. I am pretty sure if I was a mule and you put a carrot in front of me, I would turn left,  just because I could, and would think there was a great carrot patch somewhere nearby, since a carrot was freely offered. I feel I have only ever done one thing right, and that is fall in love with the perfect woman, who is currently feeling my pain. I am worried that this is a disease, and I gave it to her, or worse, it is a transferable problem, so when she is done beating herself up over a party mistake, I will go out and find a train that I can’t see coming. I keep telling her how easy it is to make mistakes, and she thinks I am full of it. HAHAHAHA of course she reads this, so I am doomed one way another. I feel I should just tell her the truth….

“I am apologize from here until the end of days, my love. I am a very silly man, who makes all kinds of mistakes, the only one I got right was in knowing how amazing you are. I am however, used to fixing my mistakes, and learning the “hard” way. I will always do my best, but understand my best is sort of like watching a drunk monkey dance in roller skates while juggling paper wads in a hurricane. ”

It will not get my ass out of a sling, when the sling comes, but at least I have warned her.

This blog was done with a sense of humor, and hopefully all will relate. 

I Can’t Help Falling in Love, or The Greatest Xmas Gift I Ever Got.

It is not that he hates the kiss, it is that he wants to make sure it is a damn good kiss when he gives one…

I used to be a very lonely person. I have always wanted to know what it is like to have someone care, someone share with you on a level that you can relate to. I never got this from my childhood, hell, I may have been lonelier then than any other time in my life. My family is not what you would call… educated. I feel like a blind redneck comedian on a turbo charged wheelchair most of my life, just barely grasping what is going on in the world. In my past, in my family, that makes me the genius. I was one of those “gifted” children, the school decided, and my parents made sure to let me know just how worthless I was. I had a love for learning that got me through the worst of it, I could lose myself in any story, any point of view other than that of my step dad. Basically his whole point of view was that everyone was full of shit except him. He would read the newspaper, but never talk about it. The only other thing he would read was small engine repair books. I am pretty certain then, that his point of view was well-rounded, as long as it concerned anything under 5 horsepower. So I am tooling along in my hyper boosted wheelchair, and my family gets along with walkers made out of lead pipes 6 inches thick, with those concrete construction bricks as wheels. Typically, when ever I got a free moment, I would bury myself in fantasy and sci-fi books, or perhaps an album of rock and roll. I do not really feel the giftedness that was supposedly mine, instead, I feel I should wear a helmet so I don’t hurt myself. Now I am 44, I feel I can go without the helmet if it is a work day, but otherwise, I should probably leave it on.

I then met the love of my life this year. I met her in the craziest place to meet anyone, the virtual world of SecondLife. I have this persistent interest in virtual reality, I am always thinking we can eventually get to where that virtual space is so like the real thing, that we could travel for real through virtual reality. I imagine myself exploring other worlds  feeling the strange vapors of another atmosphere on my skin. SecondLife however, is where people dress up as blimps to have sex with each other. I have never taken anyone seriously on the world, because soon as I did that, I would find out they are crazy, mentally challenged, or ridiculously autistic. I am not scared of anyone in it, it’s just, well, I do not have much luck in real life anymore, I don’t think I should take chances with virtual life. I am just laying down the precedent here, not trying to make it ugly. I had a few friends, people who found my smart ass comments funny, and knew I was at least funny at inappropriate times. I can make anyone feel about 3 inches tall, if I am in the right mood. It is not a good skill to have, to be able to make fun of those who enjoy your company, though. Most of the time it is awesome, but there are those times you might want to be a little more sophisticated, and well, if you are human at all, you know what I mean.

I am awkward at the best of times, so of course, when this wonderful beautiful lady entered my life and asked if I wanted to dance, I said no. I wish I could change that story now, but that is exactly how we met, me telling her my problems and interests were more important than her free-willed invitation to enjoy each others company. The universe must have put her in a coma like trance for me, because I do not even know how long it took for me to come out of my self-interested apathy to actually take her up on being friendly. I remember thinking slowly to myself, hey come one, there is no harm in dancing. At least TALK to her. before you write her off and leave an opportunity knocking and no answer. I am really glad I did. We began a conversation that day that is still going on today. It has been almost a year between us now, and more than ever, more than ever I want to hold her, talk with her, spend all my days with her.

I have begun a new interest in a new career, thanks to her. I have begun to see that the world CAN be great, thanks to her. I have confidence in myself, confidence in my state of mind, in changing my health for the better, in everything I do and think. I am not by any means being co-dependent, I was on a positive change kick before I met her, but with her, with this love, I am much more so than ever before. I can’t help falling in love with her, she makes me complete. I love being in love, and I love not being alone anymore. The companionship is almost as grand as the love, just having someone actually interested, just for the sake of being interested, in me. I get mad at my crappy lifestyle in america, because I wish I had more exciting things to give her in conversation. I want to better myself, just so I can let her have a more interesting person to have around. I do not know much about anything anyways, but I do know I love her, and that love is what drives me, everyday, to put up with this sad life I live, to save enough money to go marry her, and begin a fairy tale of a love story, that already has the cutest of modern beginnings. The frog becomes that handsome prince, because the kiss of a beautiful princess has let the frog believe in himself, and feel comfortable, for the first time in his life, in his own skin.