Moving Along

by cunningstuff

What lion? I don’t see a lion?!? And since when can they fly?

One of the hardest things to do is to forgive yourself when you have been an ass. I have been an ass so many times you would think it would get easier, but instead, it gets harder. First of all, I know I should be better, I know better, yet I still fuck up. It’s like I can not resist tapping that sore tooth with a toothpick, picking around till I find the tender spot, no matter how much I know it is going to hurt all night if I do. Basically, I am a monkey, and I am not going to use my knowledge for any good use, that would imply I am smart. Instead, I will throw away a lifetime of learning and reading and thinking to myself, you never go into the haunted house alone! And promptly go inside the damn haunted house alone.

I just finished reading House of Leaves. It’s one of those crazy intellectual books you have to read, and it is one of those cute stories you have to think about. I mean “cute”. I usually am much more linear in my reading, William Gibson or Patrick Ruthfuss, perhaps, some nice straightforward sci-fi or fantasy, and then get along with myself, but House of Leaves was ponderous, scattered, and the writer really really wanted me to think when I was done, which, of course, I fell for. I am still analyzing it, and I haven’t touched it for 4 months. Like a monkey given a choice between a banana in a trap or freedom, I gotta get the banana.

I feel the same way when given the obvious right choice and the obvious wrong choice. I get out my toothpick and probe for the weak spot, not in the situation, but in myself. Ok I know it is smart to stay in the light, but where does that dark alley lead to? IT MUST BE A SHORTCUT! And zoom! I am down the alley, never mind the three gang bangers waiting around the dark corner for a dumb ass like me to go. Back when I lived in downtown Houston, that really how my mugging went. I would walk where I pleased, never mind the darkness, the obvious group of people, just move along, get on through, BAM baseball bat in the jaw, and of course, I would carry my whole paycheck with me as well, cause, hell why the fuck should I put the money in a safe place?

I am a walking nightmare of safety hazards, road hazards, and a blithe way to walking among the minefields. I am pretty sure if I was a mule and you put a carrot in front of me, I would turn left,  just because I could, and would think there was a great carrot patch somewhere nearby, since a carrot was freely offered. I feel I have only ever done one thing right, and that is fall in love with the perfect woman, who is currently feeling my pain. I am worried that this is a disease, and I gave it to her, or worse, it is a transferable problem, so when she is done beating herself up over a party mistake, I will go out and find a train that I can’t see coming. I keep telling her how easy it is to make mistakes, and she thinks I am full of it. HAHAHAHA of course she reads this, so I am doomed one way another. I feel I should just tell her the truth….

“I am apologize from here until the end of days, my love. I am a very silly man, who makes all kinds of mistakes, the only one I got right was in knowing how amazing you are. I am however, used to fixing my mistakes, and learning the “hard” way. I will always do my best, but understand my best is sort of like watching a drunk monkey dance in roller skates while juggling paper wads in a hurricane. ”

It will not get my ass out of a sling, when the sling comes, but at least I have warned her.

This blog was done with a sense of humor, and hopefully all will relate.