A new life, for an old man.

Month: February, 2013

100 Blogs or How I spent My Winter Vacation

Thank you first of all, my dear readers. A fairly silent bunch, but at least you don’t tell me how horrible I am. I admire each one of you for putting forth the effort to read this piece, as it is far more wordy than most. I also want to thank my lovely Lady, without whom this would not be possible (posseeb). I also want to admit, I have not done as much as I first envisioned, but I have learned far more than I thought I would.

Personally, I am bit disappointed in myself about the whole thing, while at the same time proud of what I have done. I will continue to use this blog for the exact purpose I began with, to become a better writer. I have done 100 blogs, with an average of  about 1000 words, give or take a few, but mostly give (1000+). I will be speeding up the amount I write here soon, as the long wait is almost over for me. Perhaps it is an excuse, I do not know, but my lovely Lady has definitely let me know I am slipping on my production and writing. My take is that I work in a toxic environment, and I want to write in a positive mindset.  I should have had a long vacation or job change a long time ago, but circumstances are what they are, and I did not. I am basically, to be truthful and brutal with myself, a total burnout at my job.

I really hate saying that, because it sounds so depressing and awful, like I have given up on myself. I just can not do that job anymore, it has basically driven me mad, like, angry mad, into the farthest reaches of my psyche. I need to be challenged I think, and I really need a job that uses my creativity, because the mind numbing job, that worked when I was not sober most of the time, but now, in my sobriety, it has become the worst thing in my life. I should be teaching or experimenting or creating and fabricating, and from now on, I will. I have but less than two weeks of mindless numbing slave work, being treated as a jackoff and peon, and I am moving to the new.

Just to be even more honest, that’s how much it affects me. I am realizing that my drug and alcohol addiction were really just the way to haze through my life during the day, for how I made a paycheck. My music, games, art, they were all substandard because I was high all the time. Throw in some depression on top of the lack of motivation and sobriety, and you have the recipe for how I lived most of the past two years before I met my Lady. Since we met I have been more sober, more watchful, more observant than I was of myself before. I am also more critical, and I want to say less excuses.

My time is coming, and I am celebrating it here. I have ranted and excused myself in the past for so many things, but I can tell you this, I have no more patience for my own excuses, I just want this opportunity to grow and change. I am hoping that she still loves me after we meet, I am putting all my eggs into this basket. We have skirted and been nervous about this for a month now, sometimes even flat-out refusing to talk about it, and I understand that thoroughly   This is not the move of a child, with no thought behind it, we are both stepping up and doing an adult change.  We are taking the chance of a lifetime to become a happy couple, later in life than some have chosen, but at a time I think is good for both of us to settle down with someone.

There are labor restrictions on me doing what I am doing, so no matter what happens, I am looking forward to setting aside the labor and work for a little while to screw my head back on straight. I have never had a real vacation, not even once in my life. There was that one time at band camp, when I took a week off of work, but even that has become impossible, instead taking my vacation pay to accomplish different economic goals. I will be broke, and that will be stressful, but I will have someone to take care of and who will look after me. I will have time to write, one of my goals being an e-book to sell on Amazon or somewhere. I will write here more, and switch from doing reviews in America to reviews in Australia.

I am not however, going to drop this blog for another. I really never like when people do that, unless the growth they are experiencing is above and beyond the capabilities of their site. I tend to stop following them at that time, because whatever it is they are changing is obviously not part of me changing with them. Here, I have always said I do not have a direction and intend to let it basically be the playground for my experimentation, and my limited communication with the rest of the world, as well as example of  my writing for the professional world, if they are ever interested. I still have hopes of becoming a freelance writer, but I will not be able to pursue that until I have settled into my new role. I do not however, expect that to be an unlimited excuse, just the truth of the laws I will have to follow until I am done with visas and the import export of myself.

Wish me luck my dear readers, wish me luck on this new bridge I am about to cross. I will not have time to write to you until I am in Australia, as this time here grows short and I must ready myself for the move. I need all the help I can get, and I look forward to writing about the move in the near future, but probably not until the end of March or so.

I will drop an update or two to let you know I am safe and going along.


What Madness is this Love?

I once was told that if you have five hits of acid you are a certifiable insane person. I definitely do not agree with that, but if you are in love, be prepared to do the craziest things you have ever dreamed of. My love life of late is pretty stable, but the crazy thing is how we met. I was reading on the idea of the universe being a hologram, and this relates to how we met. I was in a virtual world, and one where the creators are the citizens, SecondLife, when we met. What are the chances that two people could fall in love by exchanging electrical information? Essentially  that is what we all really are, electrical information to each other. Our brain does not work like a computer, it is very obvious the differences between computers and people. We are however, stored as electrical information, when we think of each other, remember each other, fond thoughts and sweet circumstances aside, it is still our electric pathways that allow us to remember.

When I was a child, we had no push button phones, they were made with a dial, that used a set measurement, the radius of the dial, and a set of electrical impulses created by turning the dial in a set way. The world was sent to me in two media forms, the radio and the television, and just as men went to the moon the year I was born, one of my earliest memories was of Elvis Presley, performing live from a satellite transmission in Hawaii. I had an entire encyclopedia at home, and I read the whole thing. I had a globe with all the countries, showing the terrain through a rough touchable surface, that approximated the placement of mountains and oceans. I am truly an electrical baby, never knowing the dark like my ancestors did, never knowing what it is like to walk in a field unaided in light or equipment. There are very few places on earth that I had access to that would allow me to be far from light pollution, and even when there was, no one thought much of putting a bright light in the middle of the campground to let everyone see things well. When I was a teenager, my virtual worlds were on paper, and on paper my imagination was allowed access to the new reality of who we are, the virtual world. I am one of the few who was born in just the right time to watch us go from the electrical and mechanical, to the digital.

My fiancé  was born just four and half years after me, and grew up with the same exact problems and advantages. We are sitting sideline watching with interest at the Luddite tendencies of the business world, one controlled by those who are older, and the chaos and lack of passion in the new generation coming up, pampered by such a wealth of information they have no wonder of the world or the universe anymore. I tell anyone under 35 how we met, and they say,”Oh that is so romantic, congratulations!” I tell anyone over 40 and they say, “Oh… so you haven’t actually met?” I am beginning to recognize that although I understand the older pathways, I am no longer accepting them.  Information is being exchanged at higher and higher rates of speed, and instead of changing and flexing with these ideals and information, these older generations are becoming ever more stodgy and unrelenting. I find us to be early adopters, there are many 44-year-old people who are refusing to take part of the new information and digital abilities we have,  where 20 year olds who grew up with internet and cell phones have no problems accepting our relationship.

Right now I am writing this into a cloud memory system, independent of what kind of computer I use, so long as I can access a web browser. On my other screen I am streaming YouTube videos, reclaiming MTV for my own personal use. Both screens are flat screens, but since there is no touch system, I am a little bit behind. I however much prefer two screens to one, as I can take information at that speed comfortably. It is not much different from my great grand father playing a wax tube of Mozart while writing with a pen, it’s just ten times faster. It is not that big a jump either to me, for my forefathers to fall in love with a handwritten letter writer, using the human imagination to think about their life with a future lover, than it is for me to find my love in a digital exchange on a virtual world.

I felt the same things I have felt in the past when I met a person in the real world. We met and there was a spark. I can not explain what it was, but it was a spark. She asked me to dance, and I, being rather selfish at the moment, answered no. No one ever asks me to dance though, unless they want something usually, but she just left me to be. I was sooo curious as to why, I felt compelled to talk to her. I felt that spark, that pulled me farther in. We talked for a bit, then she took me shopping, because as a guy, I am hopeless as to fashion. She used to be a fashion model in SecondLife, so she had a tip or two, we talked more, and then, there was that awkwardness of wanting more. All of this has happened in real life, the good conversation, the interest builds, the want of more. When I asked her to partner me in SecondLife later, I was so nervous my hands shook. It felt the same as asking for that first date, that realization you want to go steady, be exclusive, pursue this to the end.

We never go to SecondLife anymore, we have a real life to follow and be a part of with each other, and SL just takes up to much time compared to being able to have a real conversation and be with each other. For the past year it has been like that, we play a game or watch some video, then relax and fall asleep with each other, leaving Skype on for 10-16 hours at a time, just enjoying each others company and companionship, and now, I am but three weeks from going to Australia and meeting her in real life.

The Curious Case of Billiards – End

In this drop I see the fields of gravity that hold our planet hostage to the sun, the force of air being pushed by a high speed bullet, the ability of light to contain huge amounts of knowledge in a tiny space, and the beauty of the chaos of our universe. And still, it is only a drop of water, in existence for a shorter time than we can blink.

The day for court arrived with much fanfare. The most important names and faces had been told it would be an interesting case, worthy of perusing for enlightenment as well as entertainment. No one suspected my end speech though, recorded here for posterity.

“Take your villeins and crimes, take your ideas of heinous and inhuman behavior and throw them out of the door. I want to talk about the art, the art today is the show. I had the opportunity to play on this amazing table, this amazing game, until my cue ball was swiped off the table and chucked out the window. I am… not of the world as most of you are, but instead, I run around and under it. I take on all kinds of nefarious doings, both the good and the bad, and I do them, and it is how I have made a good bit of money and enough of a name to gather all in the audience today. I have seen all of you here, in way or another, at your worst, and while I admit to the brothers being at their absolute worst when I undertook this case, I did not know I would see someone at their absolute best in return.

“We live in an extraordinary time. We have discovered we are on planet, we have found we live beside a star, and that the heavens are truly made of millions of stars. We have found that we only have this planet to live on, and we are indeed, in a delicate position. I shudder sometimes at the thought that this planet is somehow suspended in emptiness, and we could fall off of it any moment. While I spent time playing, I noticed something curious, my imagination was on fire! I indeed  am still burning a bit this day, as my rambling speech can account to. I began to think about our lives, the lives of humans, in a giant galaxy, and what other lives like ours could be out there.

“As I played I thought of how would we ever get there? I know there has been some speculation since the maths have come to prove all of this true. I began to wonder, where are these ideas? Who is talking about them, and in the past month since I played, I have read science of the heavens galore, and begun to understand I know very little, as well do we all. I didn’t hear a word those brothers were saying until they interrupted my play, and brought me, so to speak, down to earth.

“My first reaction is the same reaction I bring to you today. I know it will ruin my reputation as a fair player, but in this instance, I think it may be time for me to retire from the big city, and go back home and read a bit. My reaction is indeed absolute frustration that this beautiful piece of art and knowledge be sold off to the nearest museum, as soon as possible, so that many people can come and be inspired. The inspiration I found in the game of planetary billiards should be had by all. Everyone should be thinking of the stars and the planets, and how we may see them and learn from them. Our basic physics models are from the astronomers, they pieced together the logic for us to understand nature. We have the illustrious Darwin learning of new species, guided by the stars.  Friedrich Bessel measured the distance to a star almost 50 years ago, and accurately, using the same type of math an engineer uses to measure your property.

“We have let our shortsighted life of leisure ruin our ability to think. If we live in the lap of luxury and modern conveniences, what with gas lights at night, trains to take us hither and yon, ships burning coal to power us across the seas, we should also have the ability to think beyond our providence, to go beyond our daily life and see the energy and the beauty of the universe. The challenge we have in front of us is obvious. We can give over to silk and satin, or we can use it to our continued great age. I was given a challenge in my profession, and I have, fortuitously, failed that challenge.

“I can no longer fight for the rights of men, if we all no longer fight for the rights of man. I find in us a tremendous ability, and for the first time in my life, I had the opportunity to see how we could become greater, and not lesser men. It is why I called you here today, so that maybe, we can begin to build a better snowball of enlightenment, and not a greater castle for the lords and ladies. What these two brothers fail to see, is something we are all doing these days, we are not allowing ourselves to be greater. Their mother is a grander creature than they, and sees how best money could be used. No bank master or accountant would agree, they will only see the limited ink with which each purchase was recorded, and only feel the loss of weight in the bags of coins. They, as the brothers do as well, would not be able to feel the fire of imagination, or the beauty of the table itself.

“I call this my last case, for I can expect no new clients to trust me with their secrets, and I indeed intend to turn back to my country manor and educate the young in my town. I ask that the court understand the devilry wrought at the hands of profit, and instead see that the mother is holder of our true values. She is the one who took the industry and fortune of our time and turned into something anyone can appreciate and learn from.  It is her I ask the court to side with, and turn those poor children of hers into wards of the manor, and allow her to find a better way to spend her money and time, than they would want.

I took of my wig and gown, folded them neatly, and walked out of the court. For a minute, you could only hear my steps as I shuffled away, but then suddenly a great noise went up from the courthouse. Everyone was yelling out loud to see the table to save it, to help the mother. Eventually I learned that the court had the museum purchase the table, and once a month, they have a lottery as to who can play a game on it. It has brought good fortune on the town, and is considered a great luck if one is chosen. I have kept my word and retired, and now I teach math and astronomy to the children of my township, for free, in my house, with a replica billiards set.