100 Blogs or How I spent My Winter Vacation

by cunningstuff

Thank you first of all, my dear readers. A fairly silent bunch, but at least you don’t tell me how horrible I am. I admire each one of you for putting forth the effort to read this piece, as it is far more wordy than most. I also want to thank my lovely Lady, without whom this would not be possible (posseeb). I also want to admit, I have not done as much as I first envisioned, but I have learned far more than I thought I would.

Personally, I am bit disappointed in myself about the whole thing, while at the same time proud of what I have done. I will continue to use this blog for the exact purpose I began with, to become a better writer. I have done 100 blogs, with an average of  about 1000 words, give or take a few, but mostly give (1000+). I will be speeding up the amount I write here soon, as the long wait is almost over for me. Perhaps it is an excuse, I do not know, but my lovely Lady has definitely let me know I am slipping on my production and writing. My take is that I work in a toxic environment, and I want to write in a positive mindset.  I should have had a long vacation or job change a long time ago, but circumstances are what they are, and I did not. I am basically, to be truthful and brutal with myself, a total burnout at my job.

I really hate saying that, because it sounds so depressing and awful, like I have given up on myself. I just can not do that job anymore, it has basically driven me mad, like, angry mad, into the farthest reaches of my psyche. I need to be challenged I think, and I really need a job that uses my creativity, because the mind numbing job, that worked when I was not sober most of the time, but now, in my sobriety, it has become the worst thing in my life. I should be teaching or experimenting or creating and fabricating, and from now on, I will. I have but less than two weeks of mindless numbing slave work, being treated as a jackoff and peon, and I am moving to the new.

Just to be even more honest, that’s how much it affects me. I am realizing that my drug and alcohol addiction were really just the way to haze through my life during the day, for how I made a paycheck. My music, games, art, they were all substandard because I was high all the time. Throw in some depression on top of the lack of motivation and sobriety, and you have the recipe for how I lived most of the past two years before I met my Lady. Since we met I have been more sober, more watchful, more observant than I was of myself before. I am also more critical, and I want to say less excuses.

My time is coming, and I am celebrating it here. I have ranted and excused myself in the past for so many things, but I can tell you this, I have no more patience for my own excuses, I just want this opportunity to grow and change. I am hoping that she still loves me after we meet, I am putting all my eggs into this basket. We have skirted and been nervous about this for a month now, sometimes even flat-out refusing to talk about it, and I understand that thoroughly   This is not the move of a child, with no thought behind it, we are both stepping up and doing an adult change.  We are taking the chance of a lifetime to become a happy couple, later in life than some have chosen, but at a time I think is good for both of us to settle down with someone.

There are labor restrictions on me doing what I am doing, so no matter what happens, I am looking forward to setting aside the labor and work for a little while to screw my head back on straight. I have never had a real vacation, not even once in my life. There was that one time at band camp, when I took a week off of work, but even that has become impossible, instead taking my vacation pay to accomplish different economic goals. I will be broke, and that will be stressful, but I will have someone to take care of and who will look after me. I will have time to write, one of my goals being an e-book to sell on Amazon or somewhere. I will write here more, and switch from doing reviews in America to reviews in Australia.

I am not however, going to drop this blog for another. I really never like when people do that, unless the growth they are experiencing is above and beyond the capabilities of their site. I tend to stop following them at that time, because whatever it is they are changing is obviously not part of me changing with them. Here, I have always said I do not have a direction and intend to let it basically be the playground for my experimentation, and my limited communication with the rest of the world, as well as example of  my writing for the professional world, if they are ever interested. I still have hopes of becoming a freelance writer, but I will not be able to pursue that until I have settled into my new role. I do not however, expect that to be an unlimited excuse, just the truth of the laws I will have to follow until I am done with visas and the import export of myself.

Wish me luck my dear readers, wish me luck on this new bridge I am about to cross. I will not have time to write to you until I am in Australia, as this time here grows short and I must ready myself for the move. I need all the help I can get, and I look forward to writing about the move in the near future, but probably not until the end of March or so.

I will drop an update or two to let you know I am safe and going along.